About

This is likely to come across in a “way”… I’m not exactly sure how that “way” will look to you, but I know I’m snarky, cynical, sarcastic, and highly distrustful of authority… attractive qualities right?  I’ve come to be very okay with all this because if nothing else, it’s authentic, and I can live with that.  If what I have to say speaks to you, I welcome your company… if it doesn’t, I welcome your thoughts.  Bottom line here though is that we owe each other nothing but respect and an openness to at least listen to where each other is coming from.  If I’m not your “cup of tea” (or coffee) then we just keep moving and I wish you well in your pursuits. 

I assure you that I appreciate those of you who choose to follow along with me, but I have no goal of building a following.  I am in pursuit of wide-open spaces, where the wind is allowed to blow freely.  I’m uncomfortable in crowds, and hold a strong desire to pick up my roots and head for the physical places others aren’t traveling towards.  I’m a person with a desire for writing and yet I have no interest in building a following… I’m interested in communicating from the heart, and if it speaks to you, if it challenges you to think, if it causes you to pause and question… then that is what pleases me.  I don’t need anyone to see things as I see them, but I do want to know I challenge readers to think, to consider, to ponder more deeply… and I welcome the same from you.

I guess my drive here is really more for my kids.  I want them to think… I want them to question everything… I want them to do more than to survive in this world, I want them to thrive… I want them to kick ass.  Having a heart attack several years ago has changed my perspective, it’s drawn attention to the reality of my mortality… and I want to share the things that weigh deeply on my heart.  I’m not at all on my deathbed, but I am closer to the end than I am to the beginning, so if my kids truly want to inherit anything of value from me, it will not be within my possessions…. the value is much more likely to be within my perspectives.

I’m in my 60’s… I see the world through the eyes of brokenness.  I am broken, the people I’ve spent a career working with are broken, and honestly, when I’ve had more authentic conversations with friends and brave acquaintances, I’ve discovered so many of us share a common denominator in our lives… most of us walk with a limp.  If you’re not willing to acknowledge the possibility of a limp, I would be suspicious because this world can be harsh, oftentimes it leaves bruises and causes injuries… sometimes it breaks bones.  With many of us, I suspect that although we have the ability to overcome those injuries… it will forever alter our DNA is some manner.

I may make sweeping generalizations because I lean heavily on what I’ve experienced, and I will fully admit it is limited by the time and space I have occupied.  Not everyone will agree with what they read here and that’s okay.  I’d be concerned if you all did agree because I haven’t figured a whole lot of things out in my life… remember… I’m broken.

So… ABOUT ME

Currently, I work within my state judicial system in an organization that serves people who are stuck between two very broken systems… the judicial system and the mental health system.  My caseload is made up of many very sick individuals sitting in the higher security areas of the jail awaiting an open bed in our state hospital.

Most often, people don’t get better in jail… they may get sober, but few actually get better.  So, trying to absorb the depth of human suffering within individuals in communities I’ve lived and worked in for several decades does something to impact how I view the world around me.  I point this out because I am fully aware that I am impacted by the things I cannot “unsee” from my work.

Prior to my current position, I was a probation officer for close to 25 years.  Working within a broken legal system that has no answers but maintains a posture that it does, led to my losing faith; I’ve lost trust in systems and I lost trust in leadership.  I learned ways to cope with the day-to-day-to-month-to-year ritual of going to work, but I also refused to take the “blue pill”, I learned to embrace the questions, to be comfortable refusing the Kool-Aid others stepped into line to consume.   

For many of us who have devoted ourselves to work within the dysfunctional government systems, there comes a point where you realize the gold bracelet the company gave you, was actually a pair of golden handcuffs.   Somewhere along the way, we had to make some tough decisions because we have mortgages, car payments, we have kids… and to begin questioning the systems we work in could lead to uncomfortable conflict within.  So we begin the process of convincing ourselves those handcuffs are really jewelry, we fight to convince ourselves that we’re not living within a prison of our own choosing.   

But wait!  There’s still more to me…  There are other “systems” that have shaped this distrustful questioning perspective that makes up the DNA within all that I write.

I’m a recovering churchgoer.  I still love the Lord, and so much of how I’m wired is due to my experiences, but I walked out of the Church probably 6 years ago physically (probably closer to 10-12 years ago mentally).  I won’t go too far down this path.  I’m a bit guarded in sharing too much here because oftentimes, it seems easier to put a person in a box as opposed to understand them more clearly.  I won’t be put in a box as a Believer or a Backslider… or a Christian.  I will forever cling to the grace and mercy offered by my Lord Jesus Christ, and I will also say “No thank you” to what the Church is pedaling.  I am a man attempting to follow Christ… but I refuse to be labeled as a Christian.

I’m forever a Coach.  I was a high school basketball coach while I also worked for Probation, and my perspectives about life are very impacted by my experiences as a high school and college player, and as a coach.  There is a lot of black & white in sports.  You win or you lose; but there is also a lot of grey in there as well.  You find morale victories within losses, and there are plenty of times when you can win and yet lose in the long run… I know… very grey right?

I’m almost 32 years into a second marriage… it can work if you’re willing to look at all the stupid shit you did to screw up the first one.  We can change, we can grow… we can gain wisdom from the times we fail to be our best self.

I think that’s good enough for now.  Hopefully you will see my heart within the posts I share.  I warned you up front, I’m snarky, cynical, and highly distrusting.  I’m also okay with where I’m at, and as long as you’re not an asshole about where you’re at… I’m probably pretty comfortable about where you are. 

I do hope you’ll give me a chance here, but like I said at the beginning, it’s okay if I’m not your cup of tea.