RELAPSE IN THE DRIVE THRU

I started yesterday with a fairly positive mindset.  It was a Friday and like many of us, I was looking forward to getting to the finish line of the work week and enjoying a weekend with few commitments on the schedule.  I’ve recently revisited a book, “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron, and got my “morning page” exercise completed, had a great workout the night before so was feeling good about that portion of my life… the point is, I was in a good headspace as the day began.

I knew I had to get through my 11 o’clock appointment but felt that once I hit noon I would be home free with the weekend very clearly insight.  Problem is… 11-o’clock was still out in front of me… it wasn’t in my rearview mirror yet. 

My 11 o’clock was with a client who has been in jail for well over 100 days and we’re having difficulty creating a plan for the courts that could offer a reasonable degree of success with the appropriate support put into place.   I won’t get too far into the weeds, or I’ll put my “recovery” in jeopardy today.  Bottom line, this client has barriers, but they also create additional barriers by being more than difficult to work with.  Unfortunately, the meeting went pretty much as I suspected it would.      

BLINDSIDED… and on to emotional eating I go

60 minutes later I walked out of the jail into the crisp January wind blowing about 15-20 mph unimpeded from Wyoming to the north.  However, in those initial moments, it was borderline therapeutic.  I got into my truck pulled out of the parking lot onto the east-west county road and started to make my way back to my home office. 

It was then that I was blindsided by the taco truck… didn’t even see it coming.  Not a real truck but it might as will have been because I had no choice to get out of its way.   

Let me clarify here that when I say, “I had no choice”, what I mean is, I was unwilling to consider thinking my choices through… I was frustrated, I was exhausted, I was feeling unsuccessful… I was feeling all kinds of “junk” feelings about my experience in the jail, and I flippin’ wanted tacos because that would numb my emotions in those moments.  There would be no questioning, no negotiating, no attempts to ask myself “Gordon… does this choice serve you well in this moment?” 

Why… yes it does Sean (my former food coach)… it fricken serves me just fine.. but thanks for asking!

So… that’s what I mean by “I had no choice” …

Within 5 minutes I’m at a local Taco Bell drive-thru counting the number of $1 bills I have so I can determine how many tacos I could afford when it’s my turn to order.  Crap… I can’t forget the tax on this…

Geez… is this like 45 years ago?  Am I back in college? 

I ordered as many hard-shell tacos as I could afford, grabbed the food when I got to the window… wondered briefly if I should put on my ball cap and sunglasses in case there were cameras with facial recognition software present, and started feeling the buzz of the smells as I drove toward my house. 

When I got back to my house and saw my wife’s car there, I had the brief thought of eating the tacos in my truck and then burying the evidence in the trash can in our garage.  But instead, I decided to take a picture of my work desk covered with the evidence and text it to her as she worked up in her office… I soon heard footsteps on the floor above as she made her way toward my basement office.   Shit…

Total addict behavior going on here… and here’s the thing, I was completely aware I was in relapse… I was completely aware I was in emotional eating mode… is that even a term?  But I did not care. For all the times I talk about wanting more, wanting to press through the resistance that stands between me and breakthroughs in my life… in that moment, I didn’t care, I just wanted to numb myself with tacos.

A DOMINO EFFECT

Okay… I’ll get serious, because this is a serious issue.

The afternoon came and went, my wife and I had dinner, and then she was off to a ladies simulcast being held at a local church.

She drives off to her event and I’m at home for the next 3-4 hours with no one to be accountable to.  I watched two movies on Netflix that I had no real interest in watching before last night… and I ate some more food.  Call it “shame”, call it the “fuck-its” that come with relapse, call it whatever, but I had no fight in me.  The losses just continued.

[Deep breath here]

I just need to say this to someone out there… if you can’t handle my real authentic style of communicating here, it’s okay to say I’m just not your flavor.  I’m sorry and have no desire to offend, but there are times when passion comes out of me with certain words… and other words just don’t cut it… and it’s also much more important to me that I’m being real for that person or persons who can relate to what I was going through during my fall.  We can get up.  I can get up.  You can get up… we can forgive ourselves for the weakness that led to the fall, we can look for the opportunities to learn from how we got blindsided, and we can be smarter and more prepared for the next “taco-truck” that comes along. 

(and when I say “prepared”, I don’t mean making sure we have enough money for our order… I mean prepared to avoid being blindsided.)

WRAPPING THIS THING UP

I kind of had fun writing this, I made light of a serious situation… trying to make it comical to some degree, but believe me… I take this shit seriously.  These are the kinds of problems that led to decades of living in the 330lbs – 345lbs range, led to a prison lifestyle when it came to food… so as I make light of relapse here, for some reading this who may struggle with obesity or any other kind of addiction… I share this because if I’m going to climb the metaphorical mountains that my heart yearns to climb… becoming a writer, becoming a literal mountain climber… becoming healthier in my 60’s than I was in my late 30’s, my entire 40’s and most of my 50’s, I will be required to be absolutely real about stuff… I’m going to be as transparent as I possibly can… the “mountains” can spot the poser. We will be exposed as we attempt to gain elevation so it is absolutely imperative that we be honest with ourselves if we have any desire to make the summit.

Last paragraph… I promise.  If you’re fighting with the whole emotional eating things (or again, any other addiction), you’re so not alone!  You have so much company out here.  But even as I lost yesterday, and I’m okay sharing that I lost by writing this post… I’m going to tell you that we can get up, we can win more days than we lose in this fight.  No one goes undefeated, so lets get over the losses when they happen, learn something… anything, take something from the loss, and lets become wiser the next time.

Get up!