In recent weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about what James Clear calls Outcome-Based goals verses Identity-Based goals in his book, Atomic Habits. The concept resonates with me because I have a personal experience from several years ago that went a long way in changing the trajectory of my own personal journey. I’ll share more about that in the “Fat Richard” section of this post. The fundamentals of this concept are also something that come up daily in conversations with people as we talk about the concept of change in their lives, so I find it to be incredibly relevant.
That’s where we’re going in this post; hope you’ll join me.
DRESSING UP FOR HALLOWEEN
I was sitting on my front porch several weekends ago enjoying a beautiful fall day taking in all the energy that goes on around my house. Between my neighbor’s 4 boys all between 6-12 years old, and the small neighborhood park a couple houses down from us, our street is filled with activity and youthful energy throughout most weekend days, so I usually have plenty of action to entertain me.
As I sat on the porch, the 2nd oldest neighbor boy Austin, was trying to ride a bike away from the park with another kid chasing him. Austin couldn’t quite pedal quick enough and the other boy chased him down, catching him in front of the house across the street from me. They began wrestling in the grass and I was pretty impressed with some of Austin’s MMA moves even though the other boy was the one bragging about knowing karate. They eventually stopped, Austin grabbed his own bike from the park, and they rode off talking about whatever 10-year-old boys talk about.
A few minutes later, I noticed they circled around the block and were once again coming my direction from the park. I heard Austin’s friend ask him, “what are you going to be for Halloween?” They continued to talk as they pedaled past my house and down the road, but not before giving me the idea for this post. So, thank you Austin and Austin’s friend for the entertainment, and for the inspiration.
As Halloween approaches, people who like celebrating this day have been making preparations for the costume/character they are going to be. Some put a lot of thought and energy into the tradition, and their creativity is impressive. As a kid growing up in the 70’s, I was a bit on the ornery side and more into the traditions of tricking…but the 70’s were a much different time. So as an adult, I’ve never really gotten into dressing up for Halloween, but I am certainly into the ritual of visiting the candy bowl frequently throughout the Halloween evening.
DRESSING UP FOR HALLOWEEN; DRESSING UP FOR LIFE
(So, back on the porch that day…)
I began thinking about the question asked by Austin’s friend that Saturday afternoon: “What are you going to be for Halloween?” My mental ponderings (and wanderings) led me to James Clear’s point about Identity-Based goals. More specifically, to a question for myself… “Gordon, who do you want to be…for the rest of your life?” In this very moment, as I type those words at 60+ years old, I find myself sitting back and taking a deep breath because I still become stirred by both the challenge and the adventure surrounding the question. I’m a firm believer that becoming the best version of ourselves is a lifelong journey where we make new discoveries all along the way and for me, my head is filled with adventures I still have not taken.
Okay…the pause and deep breath I just took lead to a sense of urgency, so I’m going to be super opinionated for just this moment. This is an incredibly significant question we need to be asking ourselves if we haven’t already done the personal work. I’ll quickly add that I don’t see it as a simple question and answer thing either, it’s a process that may take some time for those who have not thought deeply about this. It may require that some of us dust off those old dreams or take notice of the recent reoccurring dreams and seriously reflect on where those dreams would like to take us at this point in our journey; it may require some very honest evaluation about where we are currently at on our journey; and for some of us, it may be time to muster the courage within to take the next steps.
For some, it may require us to apply some critical thinking to why we are where we are right now… what patterns (or habits) have led us off-course from where our passions would lead us. For many of us (this would include me), there is a gap (maybe large, maybe small) between where we are and where we want to be.
During this Halloween season, many people can put much mental energy into thinking through who they want to be…for a day. But what about the rest of our life? Is it possible we fall short when it comes to putting forth the appropriate amount of energy into determining who we want to be for the rest of our lives? I get it…sometimes the day-to-day grind can be exhausting. We consider it a “win” if we get through the day; get to Friday; get to the next paycheck…if we’re not intentional, days, weeks, and months can go by, and we’ve put little thought into what we’re doing and where we want to be heading.
Let me pause for a moment and briefly talk about Identity-Based verse Outcome-Based goals.
IDENTITY-BASED VS OUTCOME-BASED GOALS
Giving all credit to James Clear here for this concept, I’ll briefly share about outcome-based verses identity-based goals so we can move on with this post.
James Clear proposes that Identity-Based habits are the deepest form of change because we’re not after a specific outcome, but instead, we are in pursuit of a specific lifestyle; we’re not so focused on what we want to do, but instead on who we want to become.
Here are examples Clear uses in his book:
- The goal is not to write a book, the goal is to become a writer.
- The goal is not to run a marathon, the goal is to become a runner.
- The goal is not to play an instrument, the goal is to become a musician
James Clear states that if our goal is a specific outcome, we may establish the habits required to accomplish that goal and then stop once we’ve attained the goal. For me, in keeping with the Climbing Mountains theme of this blog, if my goal is to climb Longs Peak, a 14’er that stands along the front range here in northern Colorado, I may establish a routine of habits to accomplish the goal, but once I’ve accomplished the goal, then what?
However, if my goal is Identity-Based, then what I want is to become a hiker or a climber. Okay, with my bad knees and at this stage in my journey, I’ll stick with being a hiker… So, if a portion of my identity is that I am a hiker, once I climb Longs Peak, I will begin to evaluate what my next adventure is because being a hiker is a part of who I am…not simply what I do.
Another powerful thing about identity-based goals is that poor habits that conflict with our identity may be identified and eliminated easier because they do not align with who we believe we are. If I’m a hiker, I’m more inclined to gravitate toward activities that align with hiking. I’m going to be drawn toward information that feeds this interest, I’ll be talking more about this subject with people and sharing experiences, I’ll be reading reviews about trail hikes in my AllTrails apps, I’ll be shopping on Amazon for that 3-liter Motherlode Camelback (just got it!), and I’ll be thinking about planning my next weekend trek. Consequently, I may then spend less time sitting in front of a TV having a relationship with my remote, making poor choices in eating (nachos…), and having an undisciplined sleep schedule. (Okay, being a bit too transparent here…)
“THIS REAL-ESTATE THING”
About 5 years ago, I had lunch with a guy who had published several books. I wanted to pick his brain about the book-writing process. As we talked, I shared with him that I had recently earned my real estate license. So, although I was a probation officer at the time, I had an interest in getting out of the work and become a book-writing realtor (there is such a thing). As I talked, my lunch companion pointed out a flaw in my thinking, or more specifically, he pointed out my LIMP…and I’m reminded of it often. He pointed out that as we talked, I kept saying, “this writing-thing” and this “real estate thing.’ He challenged me that I was struggling to identify myself as a Writer and a Realtor. In looking back, I realize I was unwilling to commit to these identities because if it’s just “a-thing”, then I can try or not try, but if I identify as a Writer or a Realtor and I fail…then I failed as a person. Of course that’s not true…but who’s dealing with facts when we’re stuck in dysfunctional thinking?
I’ve come to the conclusion that the more important the dream/goal, the more vulnerable I can feel as I talk about pursuing it. If I fail, let me fail quietly so no one notices… Unfortunately, that’s not how it works if we’re going to dream big.
We’re talking about identity here so let me tell you about “Fat Richard” because this experience was a long and painful lesson in how I chose to identify myself.
FAT RICHARD
Way back in the 1980’s and early 1990’s, I was a late 20-something and early 30-something guy who played in a handful of basketball leagues and was very active. During this time, I climbed that elusive Longs Peak twice, ran several half-marathons, and spent mornings for a period of time running on the Mesa Trail west of Boulder, Colorado just for fun.
As my knees began to give me trouble, the daily activity lessened, but the eating patterns never changed. Suddenly…not really, I went from being 6’6” and weighing in the 220lbs’s to pushing the 250’s and 260’s.
That’s around the time I met Richard, a 40-something professional guy at my work. He was this jovial guy who weighed a lot and had no problem referring to himself as “Fat Richard”. For some sick reason, I found myself looking up to him because he appeared to be so comfortable with his weight. At some point, I came into agreement with some kind of stinking-thinking and what it did was translate into me joking about my own weight gains instead of doing something positive to stop it. I guess maybe I was trying to convince myself and others that I too was completely okay with the weight gain. Afterall, Fat Richard appeared so put-together and comfortable in his own skin that it seemed okay for me to accept this outcome as well.
The 260’s turned into the 280’s and 290’s and I remember sometime around the year 2000 joking with a friend that I would start losing weight once I hit 300lbs because my weight loss stories would be more impressive if I was over 300lbs… WTH! Sick isn’t it?
Well…things didn’t go as planned and I failed to lose weight too many times to even begin remembering. All the while, the 300’s turned into the 320’s, 330’s and finally up into the 340’s. I had begun to come to grips that this was my fate and there was nothing I could do to change who I was.
SKINNY MAN IN A FAT-MAN’S BODY
It was early 2018, easily 25+ years after Fat Richard was out of my life, and a shift took place in my thinking. I cannot point to why or how this took place, but something happened…and of course, it began with a joke because that’s how I rolled when dealing with painful shit.
At some point, the whole “Fat Richard” thing began bothering me because I had become okay with identifying myself by a part of my life which I secretly despised…being obese. (Ouch! That still hurts.) I remember one day while in a conversation with my wife, I blurted out that “I am a skinny man in a fat-man’s body!” I laughed…she probably rolled her eyes, but it hit me. I AM a skinny man…that is who I am. Sure, right now in this moment (in 2018) I may be stuck in a fat man’s body (probably about 345lbs at the time), but damn it!!! I’m a skinny man, that’s who I am.
I wish I could look back at the timeline to see how all this played out, but on May 8th, 2018, I gave up sugar in my coffee and I still have not returned to that terrible habit. Sure, I will have a sweet latte from time-to-time, but my coffee is no longer filled with cream and sugar. If the details peak your interest, you can read about that story here – BLACK COFFEE. Soon after, other changes began to take place beginning in my mindset. I became committed to the elliptical; I became more focused on portion control; donuts and other sweet breads were no longer my master…and 80lbs later, I was in the 260’s.
How did I succeed after so many years of failures? I’m not sure, but I suspect that stupid joke of changing who I identified as had something to do with my thinking, which led to behavior changes.
I want to talk more about the errors in who we identify as, but to do so, I must tell one more story.
KRYPTONITE!…Bullshit!!
I’ve recently regained my focus and began to take inventory of positive habits I’d stopped doing as well as identifying bad habits that have snuck into my daily routine. I joked with my wife about needing to stay away from Grandma and the Doctor when I go to work.
Huh?
I deal with my baggage through jokes and sarcasm…but I’m guilty of a brand new ritual of consuming a pack of Grandma’s cookies and a Dr. Pepper in the mid-afternoon to cope with unpleasant feelings (stress-eating) when in my office. After two days of victory over this bad habit, I noticed a baggie of Halloween candy sitting in each of our office mailboxes.
Initially I became stressed about the candy and stayed clear of my office mailbox. I had fears of eating all that candy and then feeling like a POS because I couldn’t even make it two days on my new convictions to change. However, it occurred to me that who I am becoming is a strong, active, hiking, writing, climbing (sometimes), real estate selling, change agent. I’m not some pathetic week person who crumbles at the site of candy like Superman in the presence of Kryptonite. I got an attitude in those moments…I was pissed off and ready for a fight.
I grabbed that candy out of my mailbox and I dumped it in my desk drawer. (see below)
All the candy is still there…untouched. I know…some may ask why I’m setting myself up for failure, and I may be kidding myself here, but I look at it like this: if a recovering alcoholic freaks out at the site of any alcohol, they can’t watch TV, they can’t drive anywhere because there are liquor stores all around, they can’t eat out at nice restaurants because most businesses have a bar area, and Lord forbid someone at the table next to them orders a beer or a glass of wine!
If I’m going to have victory over my eating disorder, I’ve got to be able to maintain control in the face of temptations. Eating out could lead to all kinds of trouble if I cannot maintain control; I enjoy ice cream…I’m going to eat it at some point in my life…am I going to control it, or is it going to control me? At some point in my life, I’m going to eat a piece of candy; will I control the candy, or will it control me?
So, the candy is staying in my drawer. Early on in this battle, it is a temptation I must overcome; but as time goes on, I believe it will become a reminder to me of how strong I am becoming. As James Clear says, “The more you repeat a behavior, the more you reinforce the identity associated with that behavior.”
TOUCHING ON THE ERRORS
As I wrap up this blog, I apologize to my wife beforehand for using our conversation about the candy in the drawer, but it’s a great everyday example of common errors we commit without giving any thought to it.
As I shared the story about the candy in the drawer with my wife this morning, she responded like probably so many people would respond: “I couldn’t do that! I’d eat all that candy.” I quickly pointed out to her that she’s correct, she would eat all that candy if her identity was based on being a person with no control over her surroundings. If we choose to be victims of the triggers in our lives, we are constantly at the mercy of them when they appear unexpectedly, many times in the most inconvenient of ways.
If she (or anyone else) chooses instead to identify as a person with strong inner discipline; a master of our surroundings verses being mastered by our surroundings, then I believe we would not be a victim of the bag of candy but would instead be victors over the bag of candy (or whatever the trigger may be.)
Personally, if I can’t handle that candy sitting in my drawer, then I won’t be able to handle the next box of donuts that show up in the office, or the next team meeting when someone brings bagels.
Perhaps I am a fool for doing what I am doing, but I have this attitude that I am not going to walk in fear of my former triggers…I’m going to overcome them.
CLOSING
I hope I didn’t make this too much about me. I use myself in examples because I’m a work in progress and I am finding success slowly. I’m going to be that book-writing, real-estate selling, mountain climbing change agent one step at a time.
I challenge those who wish to be challenged:
Who do YOU want to become…for the rest of your life?
Take some time to consider the answer. Then, begin to identify yourself as that person; evaluate your daily routines based on who you wish to become; and maybe most important: begin to listen to how you talk and be mindful of how you think…do your words and thoughts align with the person you want to become?
Okay, that’s it. This was a long post for me. For those of you taking the challenge, there is really no time off. If we’re going to succeed in making the changes we deeply desire, we must constantly be mindful of our surroundings. I’m not trying to be overly dramatic here, but if becoming the person we were created to be came without resistance, our world would look much different from what it is. It’s a war for the addict to become sober; it’s a war for the overweight person to achieve the healthy lifestyle they desire; it’s a war for me to exercise the demons that have kept me from taking those steps to write all these years…
I wish you much success as you fight your fight.
Consider me challenged. Thanks G! FYI you’re gifted
LikeLike