CHANGE OR BE CHANGED

It was 5:49am on a Saturday morning and all I wanted to do was enjoy the activity I haven’t been able to do the past 5 days…I wanted to sleep in.  Unfortunately, I take my work home with me so as I laid in bed trying to find sleep again, my thoughts began to wander.   I thought about my 65-year-old first-time offending medical professional who would be checking into jail for the weekend in a couple hours.  That whole situation feels scummy to me…and her experience the previous weekends have been traumatizing to her.

The legal system is broken…but that’s a post for a different blog.  However, being a part of this broken system for 40/hour work weeks must do something to impact who I am as a person on a Saturday morning sitting in a coffeeshop writing about addiction, the change-process, and becoming a better version of ourselves.

…and that is where this post is going…it’s about taking control of what that change looks like.

In working in the legal system for almost 25 years, it’s a constant fight to keep from becoming twisted about human nature…and I’m referring to the attitudes I carry about those within the professional ranks in the system.  I expect some level of “cat-and-mouse” game playing initially with my clients, I expect to get some level of distrust toward people in positions of authority from my clients, I expect some level of criminal thinking to become exposed as we progress through this change process with my clients, but I have a higher expectation of what I should be able to expect from people representing institutions “we the people” should be able to put our trust in. 

By 5:57am a phrase came through my mind that required me to grab my phone, open my phone app, and make a note so I wouldn’t forget, because I was still in this delusional place of thinking that I would find sleep once again.  Within minutes I knew sleep wouldn’t come so I decided to grab my gear and head for the coffeeshop. 

So here we are…dealing with all the thoughts that were birthed out of the phrase that has become the title for this post… “Change or be changed.” 

AN OLD FAMILIAR FEELING

I’m going to make an observation that involves my profession specifically, but it leads to a greater point in general.

I’ve had enough interaction over the years with law-enforcement, community corrections staff, district attorneys, and a few judges here and there…and for years, I’ve slowly evolved into a person who is suspicious of people in authority.  My experience is my experience; it’s limited, it’s probably jaded, and I have no interest in convincing people to agree with me…it’s just how I’ve seen things.  I left the work almost 3 years ago due to carrying such a toxic attitude about being a part of this legal system…not about working with the clients…it was totally about being a part of this system.  Now, here I am back in the work again because I missed the interactions with my clients, and I find the disgust once again growing toward the legal system.  With those negative thoughts are coming unproductive decisions.

THIS ISN’T JUST ABOUT WORK

Let’s explore this phrase “change or be changed” in areas other than work.

Relationships: I know someone very close to me that was in an abusive relationship for a period of time. Prior to making some brave decisions, their spirit was being snuffed out by the destructive messages being spoken over them constantly; they were becoming someone different. Fortunately, they got out and began the long process of reclaiming their identity. It’s been a process, but who they are coming out of this is a much stronger and confident person. But the phrase holds truth here…”change, or be changed.”

What about in the area of health (physical or mental health)? A person finds themselves moving down a path that sucks the life out of them, they feel like they are falling further and further down a hole they can’t get out of and they begin to feel like they will never escape from the prison cell they’re in. Only when healthy changes are made; seeking psychological/psychiatric/medical support, getting set up with a personal trainer at the local gym for accountability (shameless plug for my daughter’s profession); making changes in thinking patterns; making even the smallest of changes in daily activities…does a person change the course of their life…and ultimately change who they are…”change, or be changed“.

ATMOSPHERE CHANGERS

When I returned to my job at Probation 8 months ago, I decided I would create a picture for my office wall with a theme of this blog… “Climbing Mountains”, and I would put the words, “Establishing a Culture of Excellence” on it.  I needed a daily reminder of who I wanted to be as I returned here because I knew if I wasn’t intentional about who I wanted to be, life had a way of making me who I didn’t want to be…that same pissed-off guy who walked out of this job almost 3 years ago. 

Change your circumstances or your circumstances will change you.

We must absolutely be intentional about making the changes to our circumstances because if we aren’t, we will likely find we have been changed by our circumstances and we may not recognize the person we have become; we may not even like the person we have become!

LOOKING BACK

Looking back can give context to where we are heading.  If you don’t like the direction you’ve come from, you may not like where you’re heading.  I look back on the blog posts over the past year and I reflect.  I ponder where this is all heading.  I’m a transparent guy for the most part and I’m comfortable with sharing the struggles I experience in my own journey.  As I look at the pre-heart attack posts before that July 9^th day two+ months ago, I realize I’d been struggling for months with implementing the change I so desired.  Posts like “HOPELESS HAS TO START SOMEWHERE” sounded so pathetic, but it was written within weeks of the heart attack; my body was literally struggling to live and I had no clue what was happening to me.  After that event, I found life, energy, focus; I found new conviction for where I was going.   

As I laid in bed this morning trying to sleep in, I realized I’m subtly returning to old ways. My job has toxic moments; one of my clients recently attempted suicide a couple weeks ago…people need real hope! I’ve been coming home emotionally exhausted; I want to check out and become dumber as I stare at my smart phone; my elliptical hasn’t seen me in weeks now and our relationship is no doubt strained because I haven’t given it adequate attention. Its easier to stay in bed these days than get up and fight…I wanted to pull the covers over me and not deal with today.  I wanted to escape with my drug called sleep.

Then, at 5:57am it occurred to me…I’m going to change.  I can either determine the direction of the change I want, or I’ll be left with the change that happens…the change that IS happening right now! 

Life has a way of providing resistance to any productive goals we have.  If it’s worth anything at all, it will require work.  Rarely does the exceptional path take us in the direction of the river.  The river is always flowing downhill following along the path of least resistance.  The mountains we desire to climb require us to part ways with the river at some point. 

I can find some peace along the river…but I never find myself standing in awe of the river.  As in my hike in Rocky Mountain National Park last weekend…I stand in awe looking at the mountain tops.  For those seeking adventure in this life, there is no adventure in sitting in our lawn chairs along the river; the adventure is in the call from the high-country beckoning us to step out of our comfort zones. 

THE INVITATION

So, I’ll end with an invitation to you.  I invite you to take the active roll in determining the change you want to take place in your life; I invite you to write the words on the pages of the story of your life.  If you choose not to, the story will still be written, it just may not be a best-seller.