EMPOWERMENT BEGINS WITH ACCOUNTABILITY

I’ve got the message (the title of this post) in a picture hanging on my office wall at work: it’s a message for my clients; it’s a message for me.  With so many of my probation clients, we must move through a process of blaming others, whether it be law-enforcement, a spouse or significant other, or friends and acquaintances, before we can get to a place of actually doing some productive work. 

However, like I said a minute ago, it’s a message for me as well.  So, I also must take responsibility for the more unpleasant circumstances I’ve found myself in…being obese (that always hurts to say that…); for not pursuing a dream I’ve had for 25 years now…to become a writer; for having such poor health the past three decades that I missed out on an activity I so dearly loved living here in the northern Colorado area…hiking in the high country, and for turning down several opportunities to coach the game I love so much, basketball, because of said health issues over the years.   

Happily, I can say I am moving through a process addressing most of these areas and I’m taking steps forward… (i.e., Climbing Mountains) but it all had to begin with me looking at myself as both the “problem” and the “solution” to my issues.  Before moving on, I said I’m addressing “most” of those areas: for the record, I don’t have the time to devote to coaching basketball, but I will leave that door open for the future. 

As I move forward, I believe it is safe to say there are issues along the journey we cannot control, but what we can do is control how we respond to those circumstances, and we can become more aware of those factors we can control, and then cover those areas exceptionally well.

ACCOUNTABILITY CAN BE PAINFUL

Becoming a person of accountability can be a painful process because we have to come to the place where we’re willing to own the baggage for why we are where we are.  Another sign I have on my office wall is “First Step?  O.Y.S”.   It’s all bait if you want to know the truth…it’s my way of creating curiosity that leads to very specific conversations with my clients. 

A new client may be looking around my office, see that sign and ask… “What’s O.Y.S mean?”   Okay dude, just remember, you asked.  I’ll respond, “First Step? Own Your Shit.”  Letting it sink in for a moment, I’ll usually follow it up with some sort of question to get the guy to tell me what he thinks I mean by that statement.

With many of my “DV” clients (short for domestic violence), I bait them with the idea that to truly gain more control in their lives (something they are typically after while in the middle of the violent act), they must become accountable for how they created the circumstance in the first place and blaming the spouse or ex-partner is not going to get them anywhere. 

The message is typically met with heavy resistance initially, but it’s never been my goal to win an argument, especially early in our relationship.  However, if I can continually show a guy where he is stuck because he’s blaming others (taking that powerless victim position) I find more openness as we move forward. 

ACCOUNTABILITY BECOMING A CULTURAL PROBLEM

I’ve also learned accountability issues are not reserved only for people in the criminal justice system.  Maybe it’s because I’m involved in these conversations constantly throughout my workday, but my ears are tuned in to that victim voice, that excuse-making voice, blaming others for a lack of personal happiness, stuck focusing on issues that cannot be controlled instead of focusing on what can be controlled.  I hear it often; I read it often in social media wars; People get stuck focused on the actions of others, blaming, making excuses, taking a powerless weak position for circumstances in their lives. 

EMPOWERMENT

This morning, while in a team meeting at my office, the conversation turned into bitch-fest with people expressing frustrations about circumstances we had absolutely no control over.  I was quiet as the conversation went on for a bit, but it was clearly going nowhere because the management staff could offer no solution other than listening to the complaints.  I finally offered that we should focus on controlling what we can control.  

Focusing on the things that are beyond our control can severely compromise the energy needed to be positive, creative and impactful in our jobs…but for some reason, it’s so easy to slip into that rut, isn’t it?  I’ll admit I’ve been guilty of this as well.  But we must continually be mindful to insure we don’t drift down that path. 

On the flipside, when we focus on what we can control, we begin to discover ideas and solutions, and it can energize us to move forward.  We begin to see we have a part to play in solutions.  All I could ever ask for is the opportunity to have an impact over my circumstances.  If we have that, then we can feel empowered to make an impact on how things play out.

O.Y.S.

My apology to anyone who this may offend, but if you’re feeling stuck or unfulfilled in an area of your life, start taking inventory over the places where you can own a portion of responsibility for how you got there.  Like I said, some things are beyond our control, but many times, there is a part we play for how we got where we are.  If we own it, then we can change it.

I’LL START

I listed several things in the early portion of this post that have been problems over the years.  The health issues are huge.  I’m a big guy at 6’6”, but 350lbs is obese no matter how you look at it.  For years, I’ve had a very dysfunctional relationship with food.  It’s been my go-to when I was bored, depressed, or even when I felt like celebrating.  Food was a go-to no matter where I was at on the emotional continuum.  I got to 350lbs because I continually blew through warning signs along the way and failed to correct my path. 

I’ve won nothing yet…but I’m under 300lbs and in the process of relearning portion-control, of setting boundaries with sugar, eliminating that late night bowl of cereal, and other bad habits that became a part of my lifestyle for years.

Another area: I’ve had to learn to fight through my emotions when it comes to working out.  I’ve often told my clients that we should never allow emotions to drive the car, or we’ll be all over the road…and off the road.  Emotions can sit shotgun and give input, but they should never be allowed behind the wheel (metaphorically speaking of course).   

When I first started this process of losing weight and becoming more active, I assure you, it never would have started had I waited for the day I actually wanted to get on that damn elliptical.  However, with each night that I fought through the resistance, I found great satisfaction, I began to feel stronger, I began to feel a measure of self-respect for not quitting on myself. 

If I could encourage you in one way through this post, fight through the resistance that tries to overwhelm us at the starting gate of any process of positive change.  Know that it’s going to be there waiting for you…anticipate you will face this foe, and have a plan for how you will respond to it.  Visualize the confrontation you will have with “Resistance”; imagine disarming it; and imagine the feeling of how great it will feel when you realize you’re stronger than any obstacle it puts in your path.

END HERE

I do not wish to belabor the point here, and I hope what I’ve offered causes you to reflect.  Taking accountability for past outcomes is taking control to alter future outcomes.  Like I said earlier, I just want to know I have influence over future outcomes, but to do this, I must learn from my past mistakes and identify bad patterns that have continually played out in my life up to this point…I must own my stuff.