No One Ever Showed Me

This starts with stories on the basketball court, morphs into battles with addiction, but in the end, it’s about simply putting ourselves into a position to get more out of this life we are given. Hope you enjoy it.

What Am I Doing Here?

This past October I got back into coaching high school basketball.  It’s been over 10-years since I stepped across the line onto the court and I’ll be honest…I wondered if I remembered anything about the game other than putting the ball in the basket and keeping the other team from putting the ball in the basket. 

Standing alone at a side basket that first night, I grabbed a ball and just let my fingertips feel the grain of the leather as it spun in my hands.  I was hesitant (borderline feeling a sense of paralysis) about taking that first shot, it’s been so many years since I’d even shot a ball, and I was also mindful the last time I did this I tore my meniscus.  I’m 70lbs lighter now, but were my knees even prepared for the quick, spinning and jumping movements I was contemplating in that moment?  (Okay…maybe not so much “quick”…)  

As I stood on the sidelines watching those boys the first couple weeks of open gym, there was plenty of opportunity for self-doubt.  The terminology of the game was different, philosophies have come and gone, and then there is the old nagging questions I’ve wrestled with all my life when it comes to stepping out of my comfort zone…is what I offer good enough? 

We Need to See What It Looks Like

We were at the beginning of the official season and had plenty of open gym time to watch the kids at various skill levels.  During one practice, I was teaching the footwork required for several basic offensive moves.  Some of the older kids and most of the 9^th and 10^th graders were struggling to master the footwork.  They’ve had years to develop bad habits and these habits weren’t going to be fixed in a day…a season maybe, but not in a day or two. 

As we set up a specific drill, I flippantly told some of the kids, “start out here (pointing to a place on the court), make a V-cut, catch the ball, and get into triple-threat position.”  I moved to get out of the way and as I turned, I saw several kids just kind of staring at me like I’d been talking in a foreign language.  Sensing their confusion, I walked back over and said, “you know what a V-Cut is right?”  Several of the 9^th graders shook their heads, clueless what I was talking about. 

Now I’m confused…

I asked them if they played basketball in middle school and many shook their heads in the affirmative.  It then dawned on me, no one ever showed them.  So, I quickly showed the boys what a V-Cut looked like as well as how to pivot and set up in triple-threat position.  The boys quickly understood, and we were off to the next step of practicing the drill.  They did great…but someone had to show them what it looked like before they could move forward to the next step.

At one point during another footwork drill, some older kids began to catch the younger ones perform a drill incorrectly and they made efforts to correct the younger kids.  This made my heart happy because the older kids started recognizing what to look for, they were buying in to change, and they were modeling a culture of change to the younger kids…super powerful steps our basketball program required.

In another situation, I spoke with a 9^th grader about his shooting form on jump shots.  Instead of using a correct form which created loft (or arch) in his shot, he was pushing the ball in the direction of the basket leaving it flat.   (I know…. this is basketball-geek stuff, but there’s a larger point coming.)

As I attempted to advise the young man on correcting his shot, he was resistive initially.  Was he having great success with his current form…no, but it felt comfortable, natural, it was the way he’d always done it.  To correct something he had done incorrectly for a long time felt unnatural to him, it felt uncomfortable, and initially, the outcome of his efforts shooting a jump shot with proper form felt awkward and was not met with instant results.  

It’s Easier to Reinforce the Negative

I don’t believe this young man’s resistance is much different from many of us when it comes to change…it’s uncomfortable, awkward, challenging, unnatural.  It requires us to be mindful of the detailed little steps that make up the whole. 

It really is so much easier to flip the switch off in our mind and just do what we’ve always done…allow “muscle-memory” to take its course.  With change comes resistance…oftentimes externally but always internally.   

This morning is a great example for me personally: as I attempt to regain the focus I had for so much of last year around my health, I find myself drawn toward last night’s leftovers….at 10:15am.  I’ve already made a great choice by what I ate for breakfast, I’m being intentional about getting active and staying away from the March Madness games that are beginning this morning, but my body craves food.  If I don’t force myself to think things through, my “muscle-memory” (or in this case – my impulsiveness) will lead me to make a quick and mindless decision to eat something regardless of whether I’m hungry or not.  The struggle is real…and it has nothing to do with being hungry!

Change only comes when we begin to exercise our mind and make very intentional decisions in the direction we want to go, and to be on guard about what our manipulative emotions and bad (sometimes destructive) thinking patterns are driving us toward.  Within this mindfulness, I’ve found through my work with people fighting addictions that they (we) need to dig deeper and begin to understand the root causes for why we’re feeling what were feeling or thinking what we’re thinking. When I mentioned in the last paragraph that my little battle this morning had nothing to do with being hungry, I assure you, I was not hungry. Something beneath the surface was agitating me, and my “muscle-memory” (or patterns) have traditionally led me to seek out food as a form of self-medication against the agitation within. In many respects, I’m just like the kid with the bad form on his jumpshot…it’s what I’ve always done, it felt natural to remain in my destructive thinking patterns with less than optimal outcomes.

Relapse!

I’ve often talked about how much I learned about myself during the times I walked with my clients as a probation officer.   So many awesome people I had the privilege of meeting through very unfortunate decisions made by them during bad times (sometimes just bad moments) in their lives.  Here’s one of my favorites: https://hoosierdaddy101.wordpress.com/2019/12/10/its-never-really-about-the-muffin/. I believe I will not forget the reaction this client gave me when I told her “It’s never really about the muffin.”

For so many of us (me included), we’ve become masters at hiding the “limp” as I call it in the “Muffin- blog” (link above), that we deceive ourselves into mindlessly moving forward without dealing with what needs to be addressed.   As in the case with my young ballplayers, we continue to move through life reinforcing poor fundamentals, destructive thinking patterns, etc. Rarely do we encounter that person willing to get involved and take us aside saying, “son…you’re practicing this all wrong…let me show you how it’s done.”

No One Showed Me What It Looks Like…

Unlike those boys on the basketball court a couple paragraphs ago, we’re not always fortunate to have someone around to show us what it looks like to overcome a challenge we’re facing. I had no one to look to and see what it would take for me to get to a different place in my life.  As I began my own personal fight, I found myself wandering mentally, questioning if I was lost, standing in front of an open refrigerator fighting through the old decision-making patterns; swimming in a pool of self-doubt; questioning what “Faith” really looked like lived out on a battlefield; losing friends who couldn’t understand my decisions or reflections as I questioned my “Faith”; but somehow, one day at a time…one mindful battle at a time, losing some; winning more; I began to see what it looked like to practice properly and stop reinforcing poor fundamentals. 

As I reflect on my story, memories lead back to “Rockstar” (see link – https://hoosierdaddy101.wordpress.com/2017/12/27/rockstar/.) She had to fight her battle one day at a time as well, committed to working through the enormous battles that came with “change”. Her battles were complex, so many significant injuries sustained over years that led her to where she was at.  Well-meaning people offered generic theories on how to address her battle including professionals in the treatment community, but she had to dig deep and get to the root causes in so many places. In that sense, she was out there learning how to navigate through unchartered waters.

Her story had no guaranteed wins on the schedule…there were setbacks, and by setbacks, I really mean that I had questions of whether she was going to pull through (see another story – https://hoosierdaddy101.wordpress.com/2018/05/03/sorry-but-relapse-is-a-bitch/). I specifically remember coming to a place where we had a very hard conversation about me filing a revocation that would no doubt lead to her incarceration, but I was not going to sit by and have her die on my watch. Support can come through hugs, but it also comes through a kick in the ass…right?

As her story testifies, she had setbacks…we all will.  However, within our setbacks are opportunities to learn how to get up and recover from the relapse, or whatever you want to call your opponent.  For Rockstar, was there anything pleasant about the relapse?  No!  It was incredibly painful for her, and a sense of helplessness for me sitting on the other side of the desk. However, what she eventually learned was that she had the power to get up and retake her life.

There’s Got To Be a Better Way; There’s Got to be Something More

It’s easy to be challenged when people around us are accomplishing things, overcoming barriers, and inspiring people with their personal stories. But what about when no one is around to challenge us? What if we are stuck in a perspective unchallenged, uninspired? Isn’t that where ruts begin to form? What do we do when we don’t even know the right questions we should be asking?

For me, I think it comes down to daring to trust your heart and your dreams despite the realities you currently face. If you’re silently asking yourself, “is there a better way?”, chances are it may be worth exploring. If you’re in a dead job burned out and uninspired thinking…”there’s got to be something more…”, I’m inclined to say, there probably is. Maybe you should take a longer look at this.

Mr. Anderson Becomes Neo

Here’s a thought…what if you are The One…what if you are the one in a strategic place to show others a better way…to show others around you that there is something more to this life. What if people don’t realize it, but they’re waiting for you to take that step and show them this is the way? Years ago a wise person once told me that being a leader didn’t mean you had it all figured out…it simply meant you may be one step ahead of those you lead.

And before I get too far away from The Matrix here, remember the enemy in the original movie…those characters from the Matrix? They continually referred to Neo as “Mr. Anderson” in what felt like a cutting and diminishing way. Don’t think your opponent won’t do the same! Thoughts from Self-Doubt will continually attempt to convince you to agree with a smaller more diminished view of who you are. No…….you are Neo!

Worthless Positivity

For me, there has to be a point of reference to all this positivity or it’s just meaningless “energy”. In the back of my mind, I realize this is an inadequate message in and of itself. There has to be a point of contact with a source of power if change is to be sustainable. We can create healthy patterns through positive self-talk to a degree, but for lasting change to take place, there has to be a point of connection with a lasting power source or the battery will eventually die. We can allow our heart to challenge us with the questions of “there’s got to be something more”, but that doesn’t always prevent us from wandering off and becoming disillusioned when we fail to find that “something more”.

I know where I am going in my own journey, and therefore I know where this message will eventually go…to my Faith. At this point, I’m just turned off with church-talk. Not interested in any of that stuff at all…but, I sense some work is being done within me by my Creator…and my prayer in the past year has been, “Lord, just please don’t let go of me.” It’s been a simple, yet so very authentic cry within my heart. Maybe there is a continuation to this story down the road, but for now…

Back to All Those Missed Jump Shots

Lord willing, I’ve got a group of young men that want to know what it looks like to be ballplayers. Our coaching staff have the exciting challenge of showing these young men the difference between playing basketball…and becoming ballplayers, it’s a big difference.

This story was fun to process through…I hope you could follow what’s going on in my head…sometimes my thoughts don’t stay in their lanes and it looks pretty dangerous up there.