End of the Road

An Unlikely Source

In recent months, I’ve been meeting weekly with a group of guys on parole from the Department of Corrections.  When I first began meeting with them this past summer, the attraction was that they were going through a book titled “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge, a book I loved and carried in my backpack for years…and I do mean “years!”

I’ll be transparent here and admit that with all the highlighting and notes written in the margins of my first-edition book, my prideful little heart thought I was joining these men because I had some great wisdom to share for their journey.  But I specifically heard something deep in my spirit on the second Tuesday I was there… “LISTEN”.  That was it, just LISTEN. 

I knew in that moment I was to listen to the experiences shared by these men, to learn their perspectives…and to understand their stories.  I knew that I had nothing to offer them until I first understood their stories and what they had to offer me.    

Diving Deeper

Several weeks into meeting with these guys, I came to the group one night and shared that I was “pissed off” because the things brought up through my most recent reading of the book were in some ways, the same things I was wrestling with the first time I read the book…in 2002.   The comments I wrote in the margins dated in 2002, 2004, or whenever, could have easily been notes I wrote in the margins this time around in 2019.

It irritated me that here I was 17 years later and things I’m reading were striking the same fricken nerve once again.  However, this time I was impacted by the fact that I am now recognizing patterns in my life, a perspective I did not previously possess. 

So, let me talk more about patterns for a moment.

Hidden Patterns

In my job, the issue of addiction comes up multiple times daily.  Guys are fighting the typical addictions like drugs and alcohol, but more importantly, they’re fighting their unseen agreements with destructive thinking patterns.  These thinking patterns are like the steering wheel of a car…small compared to the car itself but large in influence, having the ability to dictate the direction we travel.  

In my personal experience, these thinking patterns seem to arise when we make the commitment to embrace a “change” mentality.  If we stay stuck in our ruts, we’re no threat… but make a commitment to change and all the demons come out of the shadows to oppose our fragile convictions.  The New Year’s resolution, the desire to become clean & sober, or any other commitment to break unhealthy patterns and pursue a trail of self-improvement is met with powerful obstacles that tend to come from agreements we’ve made in our mind. 

In my personal fight for change, there have been many times where I make up my mind on something, and then I get to this place in the road where the road ends and all I see out in front of me is uncharted territory.  I’ll call it the end of the road…clever huh?

The End of the Road

The picture above describes the metaphorical point I’ve arrived at over and over within my journey of change.  However, what I’m learning is this: I’m not alone at the end of the road.  It’s a route traveled by many that comes to an abrupt halt somewhere on our trek, and we stand there looking out into an unfamiliar wilderness with no discernable route markers to guide us.  We want the end goal…whether that be a healthy lifestyle, sobriety, or some other destiny of self-improvement, but the course out ahead becomes filled with risk and uncertainty. 

I’ll forever remember a conversation I had with Chase, a guy I first met on a visit to the jail back in early 2016.  See the story about Chase here: https://hoosierdaddy101.wordpress.com/2016/10/24/change/. 

Chase gave me great insight about the sick relationship a person can have with their dysfunctional patterns and how following the trail of “change” leads to much uncertainty.  Although I’ve never done time in DOC like Chase, I found a common denominator within our thinking patterns. 

So, what’s our thinking pattern during these moments when we stand at the end of the road?  You’ll have to answer this question for yourself, but for me, things stall out and I return to what’s familiar, like Chase.  Even when I hate the known outcomes of familiarity, I seem to return to it.  It’s a sick cycle isn’t it?

Getting Specific Here

The issue of addiction is deeply significant to me.  I would never know the guys I’ve supervised if not for my job, but when you take the time to get to know their stories, and you start to see who they are beyond paper (their offense), it’s easy to become invested in seeing them become victorious in their battles. 

I can’t tell you how many times grown men sit in my office crying because they’re being honest about the damage they’ve caused, and the pain of remaining in their addiction.  A shame and self-hatred comes out as they question why they continue to make the same mistakes (patterns) over and over. 

We often come to the end of the road right there in my office and we stand there looking out at the wilderness of the unknown.  Often, the same question enters my mind during these appointments… “Do I go “THERE” or not?” 

Where’s “There” you ask? 

Well, let me tell you…

“THERE!”

I’m a person who believes there is truly only one Source for healing the deep wounds that lead to the level of brokenness my guys have experienced in their lives.  Talk-therapy has its place for gaining insight about issues, but to get to the heart-of-the-matter, the root of origin, I am convinced we must have an encounter with the Holy Spirit. I won’t get into quoting the bible here, but I will point to the words of Jesus himself as He spoke of why he had come: “to release the captives”; “to set free those who are oppressed”.

We as a people were never meant to live in the chains of our own self-inflicted prisons, but when the invisible walls of these prisons are created by our own thinking patterns and the behaviors that come forth out of these patterns, it can feel impossible to see the way out. 

Looking Beyond the Road

The promise may be freedom and life, but I’m not quite sure what that is supposed to look like.  I’m navigating this wilderness, looking for markers along the way, and I’ve concluded there is only One guide that can show the way…the Holy Spirit, and this Guide happens to want a personal relationship with us. He’s not here simply to make sure we follow some rules…He actually wants a relationship with us.  

As I sit in my office talking with my guys about the issues they are dealing with, I become frustrated because these guys don’t need “church”, they need an encounter.  They don’t need programs and productions, light shows and concerts…they need the touch that releases the captive, that sets free the oppressed.

In general, I can be distrustful of what I see in the charismatic church.  My experience is limited, but I am certain that if the things recorded in the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, and the Book of Acts were taking place in a church today, we would be hearing about it.  In Jesus’ day, news of the events surrounding Him spread like wildfire, and there was no social media to facilitate this spreading…it simply happened by word of mouth, and the result was that people came on foot from all around.  I know I need to be a part of the church, be a part of the solution and not simply complain about the problem.  We’re missing something in church, but because we’re not experiencing what we read took place in the Gospels and the Book of Acts, doesn’t mean it’s not for us today…it simply means there’s a breakdown on our end. I’ll own this interpretation as solely mine…

I believe the offer of Freedom and of Life is still out there…I just believe it’s out there somewhere beyond where the road ends.

For the guys I encounter, all I can say is this: the Guide who stands at the end of the road…at the end of ourselves, He’s waiting for us, and He wants to take us on a journey involving risk and adventure. 

• The process will find us freed from the chains of our addictions…whether that be drugs, alcohol, food, spending, or whatever. 
• The chains will be broken over agreements made with destructive words spoken over our lives.

But the journey must go through the wounds we’ve so carefully attempted to bury over the years because for many of us, that is where the roots of destruction originated. 

I’m out here in the wilderness, looking for the trail markers.  There’s something exciting about this process for sure…there’s all kind of risk as I resist returning to what seems normal and familiar, but I invite you to step off the pavement…to disregard the sign that says “END” because the reality is, it’s only the BEGINNING.