Sorry…But Relapse is a Bitch!

Warning: Apology up front on this one…but there’s no getting around the title here.  There really is no way to clean up the presentation or sanitize it unless I want to simply tell a different story to a different reader.

We’re still in pursuit of greatness here…and this story is very consistent with the theme of this blog, but you can’t stand as an overcomer until you’ve actually overcome something…right?  And we’ll never win battles until we’re willing to acknowledge the enemy in front of us and learn to overcome the weapons used against us.   I know…pretty deep so far.

Addiction is a nasty enemy and anyone who’s faced this hideous creature in battle can appreciate there is nothing attractive about it accept the victory…and how sweet the victory is when we occupy that place of sobriety…no matter what the addiction may be.

A Superhero Revisited

Several months ago, I wrote a story about a character named “RockStar” and the demons she slayed in what appeared like a normal life lived in anonymity by a superhero among us.   It was such a pleasure watching from where I stood as she overcame so many hurdles to stand in that sweet place of sobriety.  But anyone who’s been there or stood by a loved one’s side during these battles knows it’s never a finished battle, and we must daily rise up and enforce the terms and conditions of our victory.

For the last few weeks I’ve had my suspicions regarding RockStar and I knew she had to be reeled in.  The enemy “Shame” has certain patterns, and if we know what to look for, we can recognize it’s presence fairly easily.  And just a footnote: I can see absolutely no benefit that even a little bit of Shame’s presence has to offer.

The Villain Once Again Enters the Story

There are places in the stories of all the superheroes where the villain gets the upper hand for the briefest of moments.  If these circumstances never occurred, there would be no story for any of us to relate to…right?

For Superman, the villain was Lex Luther and the force that crippled him was something called Kryptonite; for Batman the villain was Joker; for Thor it was Loki; and for RockStar the enemy was Addiction…and all the damning creatures like Shame, Self-Doubt and Hopelessness that follow on the heals of Addiction.

RockStar walked into my office the other day with the weight of the world on her shoulders.  She immediately grabbed the box of Kleenex and poured out her heart about her recent relapse on methamphetamine.  She was defeated.  She cried so intensely, holding on to lies as if they were truth.  Thoughts like “a whole year of my life is thrown away…and for what?”  The tapes began playing in her head about letting down her mother and step-father, letting me down…but ultimately, letting herself down.  Shame had a strong grip upon her perspective, and the thought of starting her sobriety over again was said with the most hopeless of convictions.

For someone who’s never experienced relapse, their most well-intended responses such as “get back on the horse again”, or “make this Day One”, can feel so empty or flippant to the one who has just lost a dear friend in “Sobriety.”  I’m not trying to belittle a person’s efforts to be supportive, but to lose sobriety after enjoying it’s company for so long is a devastating thing…and yet, the loss must be overcome before Shame, Self-Doubt, and Hopelessness lead the person down a dark path of devastating consequences which so many never recover from.

Is Self-Doubt a Villain in Your Story?

Personally, I believe self-doubt is a powerful force that cripples us mentally in the same manner as kryptonite brought Superman to his knees physically.  And what makes this villain so sinister is how it attempts to convince us that if those around us knew what we knew about ourselves, they would agree with the opinions of Self-Doubt regarding who we are.

But what if self-doubt is simply a common opponent we all must face and defeat in our personal pursuit of greatness?  I came across these examples below from an article recently and thought this was interesting:

• John Steinbeck: The author of the Grapes of Wrath, John Steinbeck once wrote a journal entry: “I am not a writer. I’ve been fooling myself and other people.”
• Michelangelo:  Michelangelo was asked to paint the ceiling of the Vatican’s Sistine Chapel. He responded by saying that he was a sculptor and not a painter.

This reinforces my belief that we really do share more in common with each other despite how things may appear on the surface.

We’re Known By the Company We Keep

Most of us have heard this saying before, but think about this:  what if the thoughts we possess about our self, define who we are even more powerfully?   It’s probably not something that many would disagree with…but in the heat of the moment, when we’re slow-dancing on the dance floor with self-doubt…are we aware of the impact its having on us?

If RockStar doesn’t successfully separate who she is from what she’s done, she’s in jeopardy of traveling down a dark road.  She’s absolutely right as she cries about letting her mom down, and as she pointed out to me with snot running down her nose that she’s disappointed me with her recent relapse, I had to agree with her.  “You’re absolutely right!  There’s no getting around this fact, you have let me down.”  But it’s not who she is anymore than I’m defined by my less-than-wonderful moments in life; and it’s certainly not who you are when you fall short of operating as the totally excellent person you were meant to be.

If we don’t separate our own regretted decisions and shortcomings from who we are as an individual, we may never see ourselves in the greatness we were created to operate in.   Who are you?  What quickens your heartbeat when you think about living life with passion and purpose?  What makes you excited about the potential of this life you’ve been given?

For me, I am a Writer first and foremost… I may need a lot of work to get to the place I want to reach, but I am still a writer.  I am so much more…but this is where the passion is unleashed.

And RockStar?

…and for the young broken lady sitting across the desk from me with tears streaming down her face as her heart breaks over her decisions…She IS RockStar!  That was my declaration over her that day…and as I write this story today.

So…Relapse?  You truly are a “B”!  And praise the Lord…you do not define who we are!

And This Just In:

RockStar called me today to check-in.  Day 4!  She also called in excitement to let me know she was successful in an interview today and got a better job making more money than before.  Baby-steps…momentum shifting…Relapse…you’re going down today…and you’re going down hard!