I’ve had the title of this post kicking around in my mind for several weeks now. To give the briefest of foundations (if that’s possible for me), I work at the intersection of two fairly broken systems… the judicial and the mental health systems. My job consists of working with those individuals who have been arrested and are typically stuck in jail awaiting competency evaluations to see if they are capable of effectively aiding their attorney in fighting the charges brought against them by the State. Although our agency gets cases from the Court where people are allowed to post bond and be in the community as they navigate through this process, the majority of guys assigned to me tend to be in custody with high bonds… and unfortunately, a good percentage of my guys spend some portion of their time (and some spend the majority of it) in custody in what they refer to as “the hole” due to aggressive or instable behavior toward other inmates or deputies.
In this work, I’ve spent so much more time around professionals within the mental health field than I did during my previous career as a probation officer – a job I did for over 20 years. There is a different mindset I needed as a PO that in some ways, I’ve been required to put in check in my current role, because… well first of all, I’m not holding anyone accountable in this role, I’m simply trying to help them navigate through the competency process so they can move their cases along toward resolution.
But there is a belief deeply wired into me that goes well beyond my career as a probation officer… it was a part of who I was as a high school basketball coach as well, and as I write this post, it is from the perspective of a “coach” that I come in so many ways… because it is from this place that I seem to operate on an everyday basis even today in the work I currently do.
Bottom line: winning is fun; losing sucks! As in life, we don’t always get the “wins” we pursue, but if we learn something along the way, if it strengthens something within our resolve to improve in some ways, then losing has a benefit. As I look back on my own life, I think I grew more through the losses than through any of the wins. Losing still sucked, but how it impacted the future trajectory of my life, how it impacted my perspectives and contributed toward future wisdom is something I will forever be grateful for. However, if we’re unable or unwilling to take a hard look at why we are losing, if we’re unwilling to embrace that we have some measure of control over our outcomes… then losing can offer very little benefit.
… and it is from this place that I say, “there is great power that comes with accountability.”
A CONVERSATION WITH CURTIS
Like I said, the phrase that titles this post had been sitting on my mind for a while. But it was a conversation with Curtis that propelled me to put myself out there in sharing this. Prior to this conversation, I believed what I believed, but I also suspected that my position can sound a bit harsh to a person who’s never sat across the table from me and learned where my heart is really coming from… and if I can be bluntly honest, at 64+ years old and dreaming of the day I can walk away from the work, I don’t really care how I come across to the uninformed. All that matters to me is that the person I am working with knows I am deeply committed to their success. Prior to my conversation with Curtis, I had little interest in doing the work to insure that you as the reader, could clearly hear my heart. Call me cynical over the years, call me tired and burned out… but I’ve come to a point where I suspect people are going to see what they want to see regardless of how hard I attempt to articulate otherwise… the point is still going to come across mean and heartless. My conversation with Curtis recharged my battery and now here I am willing to put forth reasonable effort to reflect my passion for watching people learn to “win” in life. But let’s go to that conversation briefly.
Curtis first came to me with three new felony charges. He had posted bonds in all his cases, and I had no good contact information to be able to connect with him. Then, I received an email from the Court that he had 5 new misdemeanor charges to add to my list, but still no good contact information.
Then, on a Monday morning in late-February I received an email notification that Curtis was arrested on a new charge and was currently in jail with no bond until his first appearance in court, so I went to the jail to connect with him.
Our first meeting in jail was not productive. I walked into the booking Pod, told the deputies who I was there to speak with, and heard the deputies yell out his last name. I then saw a black man in his 30’s stir under the blankets of a cot he was lying in, slowly get up, and begin walking my way. I introduced myself as he came closer and told him what my role was. He stopped probably 10 feet from me, unwilling to commit to come the full distance, paused and stared at the ground a moment, then responded, “nahhh… I’m not feeling it today.” Then he turned and walked back to his cot.
I then met him the following day when he was brought to court. I again walked up to where the inmates are held before their cases are called and I introduced myself. This time he appeared more open to talking. He said, “was that you yesterday?”, and I said it was. He apologized and said he was having a bad day. He agreed to meet me if I came back to the jail, so an appointment was made and I showed up for “Take 2” on a conversation.
KEEP IT 100
When I showed up for that second appointment, I scrapped my usual process because I suspected I was dealing with a guy who had the ability to hear what really needed to be said. Usually in this job I now work, I am dealing with people that are struggling with pretty delusional thinking, or battling with hearing voices, and I am fully aware that I need to meet these people from a much different approach… but Curtis seemed much more like one of my former “probation guys”… a guy with less mental health issues and many more broken-thinking patterns.
I asked for permission to speak very bluntly to him, and told him I am coming from a basketball coaches’ perspective here… I went on to say, with the 3 new felonies and 6 new misdemeanors, Curtis… you’re getting your ass kicked and you need a new game plan if you want to ever start thinking about winning. He let my words soak in and then said this, “I need you to keep it 100 with me.” Okay, I’ll admit that although I had an idea of what he meant, I’m not a guy who tries to stay current on the slang… so I did have to look it up to make sure I completely understood what he meant. I’m cool admitting that though… not trying to be anything other than I am.
I was honest with him about the problems I saw simply from looking at his charges. Dude has a drug problem. Either he’s using or he’s dealing… or both, but either way, he has a drug problem. He also has a character problem. He’s spent the better part of a lifetime taking perceived shortcuts to get where he thought he wanted to be… and unfortunately, in many of those decisions he has failed to invest in himself long-term. He’s also surrounded himself with the kind of people that aren’t going to give him a boost out of a hole… but instead are going to drag him down with them. He’s got a lot of areas where he’s losing…and ultimately, he needs to own why he’s where he’s at… he needs to take accountability if he’s ever going to turn this thing around and start to win. The moment he begins to spend energy on blaming others outside of himself, is the moment he gives up his ability to impact his circumstances and influence future outcomes.
That’s how we ended our first conversation… just keeping it 100 Curtis, just like you asked me to!
THOUGHTS BEYOND CURTIS
Years ago, I created a picture that hung in my office at Probation. It simply said this: “First Step: O.Y.S.” Translation: “First step: own your shit.” Sure, it can sound harsh, but as so many of my former probationers would say, it was an act of empowerment to place that accountability upon them. If they were willing to own responsibility for how they got into the circumstances they were in, then they also had within themselves the power to be able to change directions… to have a say in future outcomes they could experience.
Sure! We don’t always have control over everything that we experience… but what we do have is absolute control over how we want to react to what’s happened to us.
Accountability can be a bitter pill… but if we can take a step back and see the decisions, the intersections where we turned right instead of turning left, where we can absolutely own responsibility for how our decisions contributed to the outcomes we experience, then we have a chance to impact our path in the future. If we can’t find places where we can own some measure of responsibility, then where do we have any sense that we can control future outcomes? If that’s the case… we truly are victims of the circumstances we endure… we truly are powerless over both preventing and overcoming those unfortunate and sometimes devastating events in our lives.
A FINAL WORD
Compassion and accountability are not mutually exclusive. They can coexist, and in the work I’ve been a part of over the years, they were required to coexist. If a person didn’t know I cared about them, didn’t believe I could see the diamond hidden within the rough, didn’t believe I knew they were so much better than the worst picture ever taken of them… then how could they be open to receive the hard truths that had to be shared?
I’ve never wanted any of my players to feel good about losing. I never wanted to see my probation clients continue in a cycle of losing… of addiction. I did, however, want them to see what there was to be learned within the losses they were experiencing, and how to apply that to the future stories of their lives. Previous dysfunctional patterns had to be identified… otherwise, they would become future patterns as well.
This is all about compassion… and it is why accountability is such an incredibly power thing if we will simply begin to identify and to own our shit.
Okay… I finally got this message off my chest. Now, I can return to my own … “stuff”. I have future outcomes that are dependent on me embracing this process today.
Just trying to keep it 100 – and willing to understand that all that I share is based upon the experiences I have had… nothing more, but nothing less either.