INTRO TO THIS SERIES
If you are just now finding me, there are several previous posts inspired by my rehab process, and I’m including links at the beginning and end to each post for those who find this interesting. In Part 1, I shared a brief “Intro” to this series, and rather than repeat it in each follow-up post, I’ll share the link below. Please feel free to go there if you’d like a better idea of where I’m coming from.
- Part 1: Facing the Knife
- Part 2: Granting Access to the Wound
FIGHTING WITH THE THERAPIST
It was my second appointment with physical therapy, 10-days post-surgery, and the therapist was beginning to address the need to increase the range of motion (ROM) in my surgically repaired knee. His initial goal was to achieve a 90-degree bend in the knee, but even then, he knew I would need to reach 105-110-degrees to be successful on the exercise bike. He talked about the importance of getting to that place where I could pedal because it would more quickly address the inflammation that remained throughout my leg extending down into my foot.
As we fought through some exercises, I tried desperately to accommodate what the therapist was attempting to do, but without success. At one point, with concern about reinjuring my knee in the forefront of my mind, I asked the therapist what the barrier was… what was preventing me from being successful in getting the knee to bend? His response helped me understand the true adversary in this battle for recovery.
OXY, ICE, and…??
He responded, “Pain, inflammation, and apprehension.” We continued to press into the work he was attempting to accomplish, but once I realized my battle had nothing to do with the structure of my knee joint, I began to process his response. These exact words came into my mind as I sat on that rehab table wrestling with the therapist: “I have oxy (Oxycodone) for the pain, I have ice for the inflammation, but what the hell do I have for the apprehension?”
I started to realize there was a lot more required for this recovery than physical therapy. In the coming sessions, and during the times at home where I continued the work, I’ve come to appreciate how important… and maybe more accurately, how vital, the mental side to recovery is in this process toward wholeness. I may speak more specifically on a barrier I’ve created over the years in a future post (thinking about the title “Bad Fundamentals”) but this is about recovery in general, and I see how it relates to so many of those conversations that took place throughout the years in my office around addiction, but also around inner healing from trauma.
NO SHORTCUTS
What I am learning 6 weeks into this process is that there are no short cuts, no magic pills, no solution such as “ice” to address the power of apprehension in the recovery process. The process is painful, it leaves me mentally and physically worn out when the sessions are completed, but I also find encouragement because small or large, I am experiencing the “wins” daily and weekly.
There are a handful of times throughout each day where I must close my eyes in the moments my therapist is working with me, and I must concentrate on breathing and relaxing. I must mentally remind myself that what I am going through will lead to healing and wholeness in the knee joint… but it does come with a cost. It comes with pain, it comes with allowing myself to be vulnerable, and it demands that I let go of the old ways and trust my therapist to lead me into better form. Again, I am about to trip into the subject of bad fundamentals (which I may write about later), but I want to keep this post shorter since my first two are rather long.
APPLYING THIS TO OTHER FORMS OF RECOVERY
Some of you may already see where I am heading here, but if we are talking about recovery from an addiction, a traumatic relationship… possibly other forms of recovery I am not listing here, the mental side of the process is such a powerful adversary, and a gameplan must be created that addresses it. We absolutely must trust a provider leading us through this process because vulnerability comes as we let down our guard and stop resisting the growth. There was no one else sitting on that table fighting my physical therapist… it was all me, led by my fear and the power of self-preservation. My fears, my apprehension… it has become my strongest adversary in the recovery process.
The pain has for the most part left… I have no need for the Oxycodone any longer. The inflammation has reduced to the point that it no longer presents a barrier to the process of increasing my ROM. I still use my ice machine and will likely always use this as a form of recovery from long hikes and other forms of exercise… but the inflammation is now a non-factor. However, the apprehension… even with all the small successes I am experiencing, even when I make my good knee do what my surgically repaired knee is being asked to do… and see that it can easily be accomplished… the apprehension is still there, and that leads to my final statement…
Fear is a bitch… and if we’re ever going to truly recover, we’re going to have to kick its ass.
- Part 1: Facing the Knife
- Part 2: Granting Access to the Wound
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