Several years ago, I wrote a post titled “The In-Between”. Those who have followed my blog for a while may remember it. I’ll add the link to the end of this post for those curious.
To give a brief description of what the In-Between is, it’s that place we come to on the trail, long after the excitement from the Trailhead has burned off, and well before we see the goal of our pursuit… the Summit. It’s the long stretch of trail out in the middle where the only sounds we hear are the nearby birds, the wind blowing through the trees, perhaps the sound of water if we’re traveling near a valley, and the constant sound of our footsteps and breathing. Along this stretch, we are alone with our thoughts… and sometimes those thoughts can turn on us and suddenly we realize they are no longer great hiking buddies. The once exciting thoughts filled with positive energy about the adventure out ahead have somehow morphed into questions and self-doubt that attack our convictions to continue forward.
Somewhere out in this stretch of trail, a funny thing starts to take place. As our convictions to continue forward become tested by the ongoing resistance that comes with gravity, a negotiation to surrender starts to be rehearsed in our mind. We begin to entertain thoughts about turning around; we start convincing ourselves that what we have accomplished is “good enough”; the Summit that we’d dreamt about reaching has gradually become less important. Discouragement and exhaustion can begin to rage against our now fragile conviction to press on.
Surrender grows stronger, and with every step becomes a more reasonable option… then, at some point, it is no longer a reasonable option, it has become an appealing option… and then for many, it becomes the ONLY option.
THE IN-BETWEEN IS WHERE YOU’LL FIND ME THESE DAYS
Again, if you’ve read many of my blog posts, you’ll know that hiking is the illustration I use to talk about pursuing our dreams. As I attempted to create a word-picture of the In-Between above, I was able to tap into personal experiences on trails in the high country. The comparison of hiking in the backcountry and specifically to once again reach the summit of Longs Peak is incredibly similar in so many ways to my pursuit of becoming a writer, and also my pursuit for losing weight, becoming healthy and being free once and for all from the prison of obesity. As I am attempting to articulate in this post, there is a lot of trail between the excitement of the Trailhead and the joy and satisfaction of the Summit. There is the war that takes place within the mind on the battlefield of the In-Between… and that is where you will find me these days.
I’m writing this post for several reasons.
- I haven’t written for over three months now. There is a reason for that. I’ve been wrestling with the very loud questions, very intrusive doubts that attack during the vulnerability that comes in the In-Between. I’ve questioned whether I have the skill set to put together the notebooks of writing I have done over the years. I sit with my laptop and wrestle through the many notes only to quit and find some distraction to ease the frustration. I question if I have any value to offer a potential reader.
- I’ve battled with periods of exhaustion that come with the work I do. I spend my days working with people stuck between two very broken systems… the legal system and the mental health system. There are many days where I feel like I have nothing left to give to my dreams, nothing else to give to people around me, and I find it is easier to come home and check out. This has become a growing problem for me. If I don’t figure out how to engage, I fear I will continue down this hole of isolation with only the occasional break when I’m forced out through my job.
- I’m not going to get to the Summit if I don’t start taking steps. If I continue to stand here without making progress, it becomes more likely I will become like one of those many people who talk themselves into being okay with how far I have climbed; with settling for “good enough” and turn around.
I would also like to think I’m a pretty transparent guy and believe that those of you who are fighting like hell to overcome barriers in your life to get to your own personal Summit may take comfort in knowing there are others out here on the trail with you. You are not alone.
I don’t see the In-Between ending any time soon. I think my Summit is still a long way off. So, during this stretch, I need to be okay with the idea that my Blog may be made up of posts that cover random experiences along the way, some may tie together, some may not seem like they do… but they will all have one thing in common. They are thoughts that were conceived and developed out here in the In-Between as I continue to climb higher toward my Summit.
Talk soon.
Link to the In-Between Post: THE IN-BETWEEN