Before I get too far into this, I want to acknowledge there are always exceptions. This is not a perfect position to take in all circumstances. I realize over the years of dealing with people in crisis, the best message I can give them is one where they can see the ability to take back control in places where they feel very out of control. As a sign that greeted my clients at probation said… “First step: Own Your Shit!”
Accountability is a painful thing…
Accountability is a beautiful thing…
A SCENE FROM JAIL
The guard walked over and unlocked her cell door and yelled her last name. After telling her she had a visitor, he walked away with that, “I’m tired of this shit” look on his face. I stepped into the conference room adjacent to the Pod and as I turned toward the door, she walked in and said, “Hello Gordon.”
I learned a long time ago when meeting with people in jail to stop with the traditional greeting questions like… “How’s your day going?’ or “How have you been lately?”, or “What’s new with you?” Asking these questions seems to ignore the obvious… they’re in jail. “I’m great thank you! I’m getting caught up on my sleep, the bologna sandwiches are incredible, and the conversations are stimulating…How are you, Gordon?” I’ve landed at a comfort level with greeting a person in these circumstances by simply asking, “How are you holding up?”
So, after asking that question and hearing her response, I told her about my purpose for the visit today: I was there to facilitate a call between herself and the housing program supervisor for the apartment she was living in. She had plenty of opportunities previously to let me know she was losing her housing, but she chose to avoid sharing that information. I learned how dire her circumstances were through a phone conversation the previous day with the program supervisor, and now, my client and I were about to have that conversation.
I dialed the supervisor’s number, and after a brief and superficial exchange, we got to the point. My client was being reminded that she had previously agreed to vacate her apartment by next Thursday… 6 days from now, to avoid having an eviction on her record. If that wasn’t bad enough, my client was also made aware there had been reports of people entering and exiting her apartment while she was in jail, and things were being removed from the apartment. She was also told the back screen had been kicked out and the window was currently wide open… in January…in Colorado.
By law, staff from the program were not allowed to enter the premises or intervene without my client’s permission, and staff were not even sure if those people had been given permission to remove items since my client was aware she had to be out in a few days.
As I sat in the room listening to the conversation, I watched as my client processed the information. She appeared devastated… and who wouldn’t, right? She is in jail, she has no one she can turn to for help raising the money to cover her bond, and she must be out of her apartment in 6 days…
Translation: she will likely lose all her possessions and be homeless in January, in Colorado, in 6 days.
Think about this scenario for a moment… what can you possibly say to a person in this situation? Sympathy serves no purpose here… Neither does empathy to be honest. Compassion must be involved regardless of whether there is anything else to offer, but even then… it does very little in helping her resolve her crisis.
The phone conversation with the supervisor eventually ended, and I was left to sit in that room and process all this new information with her. She cried, she was devastated. She reflected on her reality that although she verbally gave the supervisor and the program staff permission to secure her apartment during that phone call, it was probably too little; too late. Items of value were likely already gone.
We sat in silence as she wept.
ONLY ONE THING OF VALUE TO OFFER
As we sat there, I knew I only had one thing of any value at all to offer her, and yet, if not packaged properly, would not be seen for the value it possesses. Instead, it would be perceived as heartless, callous, and harsh.
I told her that in moments like this, if we cannot find the places to be accountable for why we are experiencing these devastating circumstances, then we really have no power… and if we have no power, we are by definition… powerless, which means we are hopeless for preventing bad circumstances from overtaking us in life. She continued crying but listened.
I told her I refused to see her as powerless, as a victim who would forever be unable to prevent these types of devastating circumstances from overtaking her in life at some point in her future. I told her that if she was willing to begin to take responsibility, to be accountable for this situation, it was a first step in taking back power and control in her life.
I challenged her to take responsibility for giving her apartment door code out to some guy who was not a trustworthy person. I challenged her to see that by giving that code out, she no longer had control over who else would learn the code.
I challenged her to be accountable for violating her initial bond in early December by being arrested for a conflict that took place at her mother’s home… leading to new felony charges, which resulted in a higher bond… which resulted in her being stuck in this situation. I needed her to see the domino affect her own decisions played in this outcome.
This conversation was not intended to throw blame on her, to beat her already broken spirit down any further… it was meant to show her that she was in control of decisions that were made, leading to this outcome she was experiencing. I wanted her to see the connection… to see the power she has over the results that take place in her life.
These results suck! Future results don’t need to continue sucking!
THERE IS HOPE
My hope was that she would see there is hope. That hope may not include her salvaging anything from her apartment, but I reminded her that she will eventually be out of jail, she will eventually rebuild her life and be housed again, and she must learn to create safe boundaries for herself. She must value her freedom and not be involved in activities that lead to incarceration.
I’ll move on from her story to the bigger point I want to make.
THE MESSAGE OF ACCOUNTABILITY
The message of accountability can be a harsh message for a person who feels “stuck”. That person can tend to remain in a place wondering why bad things are happening to them. If you think about it, it’s a powerless place to exist… wondering why bad outcomes always happen, wondering when the next bad outcome will take place, not feeling a sense of control over outcomes.
However, when a person embraces the tough message of accountability, which means taking responsibility for the decisions they made leading up to the crisis, then they can begin the process of taking back power over future outcomes.
- I shouldn’t have to take responsibility for the injuries I sustained because I was a passenger in a car driven by my drunk friend, but I can take responsibility for making the decision to get into the car knowing my friend had been drinking.
- I shouldn’t have to take responsibility for the physical abuse I sustained from my partner… but I can take responsibility for not paying attention to the red flags that were all over the place before things got bad.
These were frequent examples I’ve dealt with over the years in my work. But what about more general everyday examples?
- Health
- Finances
- Career
- Education
- Etc.…
Think about areas of your life where the outcomes are less than desirable for you. What are your typical thoughts when your mind goes there? When our frustration is directed toward something other than our own choices and decisions, I suspect oftentimes it leads to feelings of frustration because we have little control over those variables outside of ourselves. When my blame is directed toward a person, an employer, the government, the weather, the impact of the moon’s gravitational pull… or anything else beyond my control, then I have little control over those outcomes. But when I begin to look at my choices, at all the dominos I had control over which fell leading to this domino (outcome) right in front of me, then I do strongly believe that I can begin to take back control of future outcomes. I may have to deal with the current problem, but I can do so knowing I have a sense of control over future outcomes.
As I said at the beginning of this post, accountability can be a painful thing in the moment. But if handled productively, accountability allows us to take back power, to take back self-respect… and that is a beautiful thing.