(Sometimes, things die in our lives, and they fade away never to be remembered. But sometimes, the dead things of our past don’t fade away. They linger… they haunt us… and if we fail to deal properly with them, they will continue to show up and disrupt our futures.)
If you’ve followed this blog, you’re likely aware that writing has been a dream for several decades. I’ve equated this dream with summiting a mountain… hence, Climbing Mountains is the name of this blog. It’s certainly about my own journey, because that’s where my passion lies, but as a former basketball coach, and informally, as a life-coach, this blog has also been an outlet allowing me to challenge, inspire, and motivate people in their quest for pursuing the summits that consistently call out to each of us.
I’ve also utilized this blog to share stories I’ve encountered through the lives of my probation clients over the years. There’s gratitude within my heart for the amazing lessons I have learned as I listened to so many stories from people I would probably never cross paths with had I not occupied that position, and the ultimate lesson has been this… I’ve learned we all share so much more in common on this journey.
As I look west toward the Rocky Mountains that lie 25 or so miles away, there are no two mountains alike. They share many descriptors in common, rock, trees, various elevation gain, etc., but each mountain is completely unique and tells a different story than all other mountains. In the same way, within our personal journeys, no two mountain summits will ever look the same.
For me, the summit is writing a book and becoming victorious over health issues that have plagued me for the past 30 years. For so many of my former clients, their summit is sobriety, breaking away from gang culture, overcoming homelessness, earning a G.E.D. or other certification, obtaining a job with benefits, getting back into the lives of their children, ending the cycle of toxic relationships… every journey will share things in common, and yet in the end, will tell a completely unique story.
For some of you, it may be a long held creative dream or a health goal like my own, or it may be an educational goal, a career goal, an entrepreneurial goal of starting a business, purchasing a home when it was thought to be impossible in your housing market… on and on it can go as we describe the mountains specifically calling out to each of us in a way that can only be heard in the deeper regions of our heart. However, there are a few things these mountains do possess in common:
- They provide amazing views from the top.
- They offer enormous satisfaction to those who discover they had what it took to reach the summit.
- …and the ghosts tend to come out as we gain elevation in the climb…
So, what are the ghosts?
The ghosts are those voices of self-doubt, those critical voices from authority figures in our past, perhaps the residual effect of trauma we experienced when we were younger… or when we shared our life with a toxic personality that chipped away at previous self-confidence, perhaps it’s witnessing something incredibly devastating and never being able to unsee it along with the thoughts that accompany it. I suspect it’s safe to say the ghosts come in very different forms… forms that hit hard and hit home with incredible accuracy. Ghosts shoot the arrows that never miss the bullseye.
PATTERNS
As a probation officer, I would often point out to my clients the patterns in their speech or decision-making that I had suspicions were tied to less than desirable outcomes. I’d listen for and point out the patterns in self-defeating talk, the low expectations they may be carrying, the patterns in behavior that may have been connected to relapse. I always felt it was imperative that we explore the repeated patterns that surfaced in their lives, the patterns around jumping in and out of toxic relationships, the patterns that triggered relapse, on and on I could go giving examples of the patterns.
Because I operated with a belief that my clients and I shared many more similarities than differences in our lives, this idea of spotting the patterns impacted me in my personal life. I see patterns that have become so solidified over the years that I came to accept them as a “normal” part of who I was.
We may be inclined to laugh at the harmless patterns and shake our heads relating to one another in some manner about the insignificant little ones. But I want to go where the shit gets a bit deeper… I believe there are many out here keeping me company who would, if truly being authentic and transparent, would say they have damaging patterns that surface in an otherwise functioning life. On the outside, we act like we have it all together… but behind closed doors when no one is around, we often know things about ourselves we don’t want to deal with, or perhaps we simply do not know how to effectively address them.
I’ll use myself as an example to make the point about patterns.
CUT FROM THE CARPOOL
During my middle school years, I lived in a neighborhood with several guys on the school basketball team with me. I was always tall, but in those years, I was a bit heavier and slower than a lot of my peers. I made the team, but I was never a starter, nor did I play much.
During the season, these players and their parents started a carpool to help get the players to and from practice. I wasn’t invited to be a part of the carpool. Years later, as a 50-something former basketball coach, I was having coffee with one of my former players and as I shared this experience, I said the words “I was cut from the carpool”. We both laughed, it was funny at that moment, and yet, the truth of the matter is this: I see how this message replayed itself over the years because I never really dealt with the lie within the message… the lie about inadequacy.
I use one example from my middle school years, but I assure you these experiences have a way of building on themselves through the years if not effectively addressed. Childhood examples lead to young adult examples, lead to middle age examples, etc. Patterns… they always have a beginning somewhere.
This is one of my ghost’s. They come around when I strive to do something great (in my own mind). They come around with that damn message of inadequacy when I begin seeing myself as a writer, when I entertain ways to step out and take a risk. For years I’d turn around in the face of that lie because I could never see that I had something valuable to offer on a large scale. I knew I had something to offer on a micro level, but I’d shy away from opportunities on a larger scale. My go-to response was: “there’s got to be someone more qualified to do yada yada…”. And I was correct, there’s always someone more qualified, but that doesn’t mean our number isn’t being called in those moments, it doesn’t mean we’re not being asked to get into the game and make a play, make a contribution.
I shared this experience with a dear friend once, and I learned something that blessed me. He shared a wound he carried from some time in his early years. When he was a youngster playing organized baseball, he couldn’t hit the baseball in the games. He said he could hit the ball in practice all the time, but come real games, he couldn’t experience a breakthrough. He went on to say that he believed he had wrestled with thoughts of inadequacy that went far beyond the batter’s box of his youth. He openly wondered about how this message has possibly influenced steps he’s taken as an adult.
Over the years, I’ve come to suspect that our stories are not all that uncommon. Things happen, whether intended or unintended, and in many cases, I believe we are left to interpret meaning from those experiences on our own. Perhaps it’s in those moments when the ghost first appears, spinning stories of inadequacy or other destructive messages in hopes we’ll accept them, not sure about that, just a thought.
But this part I am certain of. I am broken, and I’m okay with that because I believe brokenness is simply a part of the human condition. I may forever walk with a limp, but that does not mean I cannot take one step at a time and climb the mountain in front of me… it may take me a bit longer to get there, but it’s not a race… it’s a journey.
EXPOSURE
A final thought to be prepared for if you decide you want to keep climbing:
If you’ve ever climbed in high altitude, there’s this place way up the trail called “treeline” where the trees give way to shrubs and other low-lying greenery. Up there, you’re exposed to the wind, the sun, and any other weather that gets thrown at you. But there is something else to be aware of regarding “exposure”. When hikers describe trails having high-exposure, it can mean there is greater risk for injury. I would absolutely encourage each of you to pursue your dreams, to pursue the summit… but I believe it comes with risk; with the warning that the higher we climb, the greater the exposure that accompanies it. The ghosts will turn up the heat on us as we gain elevation, exposing things that we must deal with along the way. But let us always remember this:
Ghosts cannot stop us…their power lies in the ability to convince us to quit on ourselves.