Several years ago, my supervisor told me about an author he thought I’d enjoy reading. I remember we talked a bit about him at that time, and then the conversation was forgotten. In May 2023, my wife and I took a trip that led us through the Arches and Canyonland area in Southeast Utah. It was an amazing time and I returned to work revived and inspired by that experience.
Once again, upon my return from Utah, my supervisor brought up the author, Edward Abbey. He told me about how one of Abbey’s books covered his time as a seasonal park ranger at Arches National Monument prior to it becoming a national park in 1971. My supervisor then ordered the book, “Desert Solitaire” and brought it in for me to look at… persistent, wasn’t he? I told him I’d take a glance at it.
From the author’s introduction, the book grabbed my attention. I looked forward to the evenings when I could shower, get ready for bed, and then sit down and open the pages. Having recently visited the park some 50 years after Abbey’s time there, some of the names were familiar and, in a way, allowed me to feel like I was back there with him in spirit.
I bring Abbey up not so much because a book about Arches National Park spoke to me, but because Abbey, the man, spoke to me. He was a person who had a distrust for institutions, he was a lover of the environment, he was snarky in his writings, characteristics I was drawn to. He was on the FBI watch list from his early days in college after committing an act of civil disobedience… an author on the FBI watch list… okay, I’m a fan.
Reading the writings of Edward Abbey, hearing his distrust for institutions (specifically the national park system… and government involvement), and hearing through his words an attitude of a man who wasn’t interested in writing something the masses would agree with… it inspired me… it somehow conveyed a message to me that in writing, it’s okay to take potentially unpopular positions that could offend, it’s okay not selling my soul by reducing all content down to the lowest common denominator and thereby speaking deeply to no one.
I needed to experience a bit of Abbey, the man. I needed to be reminded that if I ever do move forward in writing a book, my goal would never be to become a best seller or even to become financially successful… I already have a career. I’m good, thank you. I’m not interested in being popular, I’m interested in stirring a person’s heart and in challenging a reader to think deeply, I’m interested in making a person feel uncomfortable in such a manner that it leads toward change, good change in their lives.
QUESTIONING EVERYTHING
Keep in mind here that reading Abbey’s book took place in the summer of 2023. This only added fuel to an already burning fire in my life where I’d begun questioning so many things. Nothing has been off limits in this evaluation taking place.
- I questioned my family experience growing up after learning from an older sibling after I was in my 60’s that prior to my birth, my parents had separated for a time in the 1950’s… hmmm, never heard that story at family gatherings. It left me wondering what was real and what was artificial in my growing up because my mom eventually left my dad shortly after I moved out as a young adult.
- I’ve questioned the Church for almost 20 years … but that’s become more intensified over the last 6-7 years, and outside of a few occasions every year, I haven’t stepped foot in a church building on a regular basis since perhaps 2019. I love the Lord, but I’m not at all interested in what the Church is selling.
- I question the media… both sides! From where I stand, they make their money when there is conflict. The more we fight, the more we are divided, I suspect the media profits.
- I question the government… believe me, when someone says they’re from the government and they’re here to help, it likely going to make things worse. I don’t like Trump, and I don’t like Biden. Come on America… we can do better than this!
- There are other things I do not at all trust, but I’m not ready to make those kinds of personal waves just yet… I’ll stay under the radar for a bit longer.
But here’s the point, all this questioning has led me to evaluate why I’ve been in pursuit of certain goals. I’ve had to step back and search my heart for why I want to climb certain mountains… is it true desire, or has it simply been hardwired in by my upbringing? It’s time to ask questions?
See, I believe we spend our youth being indoctrinated in to our culture, and then some of us spend the rest of our lives trying to unlearn what we can no longer accept as truth, while many simply move along in this life questioning nothing… and this brings me to the story about the cows.
WHERE ARE THOSE COWS GOING?
Sometime in the past couple years, my wife and I were driving along a road between our town and the small town only a couple miles away. As we drove along, I noticed a herd of cows walking along the fence line toward the east. Not thinking a whole lot about it in the moment, I glanced on beyond the cows in search of what might have drawn their attention; a farmer pulling up with a truck full of hay, a water trough… Nothing.
Now I’m curious…
As we approached the end of the pasture, some cows had already arrived and were just standing there as others arrived. We passed by and kept going on our way, but I couldn’t get those cows off my mind. I was struck by how perhaps one or two cows decided to head east and eventually the entire herd began following toward the end of the pasture… for what? I saw no reason at all for this… I’m not a cow and I don’t know how cows think, but I really saw no benefit to why they all migrated there.
This is bigger than cows now! It got me thinking about the herd mindset. We just fall in line moving in a certain direction without questioning where we’re going and why we need to get there. Kids graduate high school and go off to college without any clear vision for what they’re after; people stay in positions to build a retirement even while they’re already dead inside; we pursue safety and security and fail to realize that it oftentimes cost us passion and purpose.
If I was an artist, I would sketch a picture of an image in my mind. But words will have to do here. Picture this:
A herd of cows are in line moving toward an opening in a large building with a sign above the entrance that says “Slaughterhouse”. One cow in the herd starts asking the question… “Where are we going?” A cow nearby says, “Don’t worry about it, just keep moving.”
A TRAIL LESS TRAVELED; SWIMMING AGAINST THE CURRENT
It is uncomfortable being in this place. I’m filled with self-doubt at times because I will admit, when you see so many traveling along the conventional highway, I question what I’m doing… am I the one off-base here? I’m not asking anyone to follow me, to agree with me, to validate me; I have to wrestle with these questions. Ultimately, I have to be connected in relationship with my God because honestly, it feels like a wilderness to step off the path so many are taking and begin venturing out on some trail I see very few people on… it’s like something must be wrong here… why am I the only one walking this trail (okay, I’m sure there are others out here, but sometimes it feels like I’m alone in my questions).
Especially uncomfortable at times is my conflict with the Church. I love the Lord, but how can I say this when I am so hostile toward the institution of religion? It goes against the grain of all that teaching from my youth. I want absolutely nothing to do with the evangelical Christian, non-denominational church I was actively a part of for 20+ years. I grew sick of the smoke and light show being presented to the people. I’m often asking the Lord, “please don’t let go of me through all this…” and I’m torn between wondering if I’m deceived out here, or if I’m going through a needed process of unlearning the indoctrination wired into me as a youth.
Then there’s the conflict with others when you step aside from the herd mindset. I recently read a quote from Bertrand Russell, an English philosopher living in the 1900’s:
“Collective fear stimulates herd instinct and tends to produce ferocity toward those who are not regarded as members of the herd.”
As I apply that quote to the cows, I picture the cows getting angry at the one who no longer wants to be in line heading into the slaughterhouse. Don’t create questions! Don’t make waves! Keep moving!
Our society depends on maintaining order… if we begin questioning things, the fibers start to unravel. I’m not an anarchist, I enjoy social order… I just don’t trust those in power and I believe we’ve given them too much of what they cannot handle.
CLOSING PART ONE
My spiritual journey is the cornerstone of this process. It’s such a part of who I am, but I’ve needed to prune some branches that simply aren’t bearing fruit. I believe Abbey was an atheist and thats okay, but so much of his questioning of the institutions of power spoke deeply to me, and his willingness to convey thoughts without compromise, without selling out for the “Dollar” were characteristics that inspired me and still 12-months later, inspire me to dig deeper to come up with the words that have been stirring within my soul. We all must make choices on the path we will travel. I look for no one to agree with me, but what I look for is people willing to stop and question what they’re doing… don’t fall in line just because so many are walking the path.
If you can live with your answers, then keep moving forward.