Years ago I came across this image while working with youth in the criminal justice system. It left a powerful impression on how I saw addiction going forward. I knew there would be a day when this picture would be a part of something I wrote.
How’s that New Year’s resolution going? If you read my recent post titled “12:01AM” you’ll see that I’m not big on the whole resolution-thing. If you want a new beginning, start now… don’t start at the beginning of the week, the beginning of the month, or with the new year.
I know for certain my attitudes are heavily shaped by working with so many clients fighting addiction, but I’m also mindful that my experiences as a high school basketball coach also shaped this mindset.
Think about this scenario for a moment: My team is down by 15-20 points going into the 4th quarter… Do we simply call it a night and head for the locker room, or do we figure out how to generate some momentum going into the next game? Sure… we’re likely to lose the game but think about the mindset of the players as they stare out the window on the long bus ride home. Think about the postgame talk in the locker-room… do we do something different right there in the 4th quarter and possibly have something to build on going into “tomorrow”? Do the players create an opportunity to hold their heads up as they walk out of that locker-room?
It really is no different with an addict who relapsed earlier in the day. If they relapsed, they could throw in the towel on the day and say “f***-it!”, making some half-assed promise they’ll start tomorrow even though deep down inside they know it’s BS because they’re stuck in that same old pattern of lying to themselves and those around them … or they can start right there in those insignificant moments on any 7:17pm evening… emptying the remains of the bottle, flushing their remaining stash, tossing the junk food sitting next to them on the couch in front of the TV… whatever the addiction… whatever the form of self-medication, they can make a decision in that moment to finish the day strong.
I know my approach may seem a bit point-blank for some, but I’m not here to talk with the person who simply wants to make some casual changes in their life. To the person who would like to read more, travel more, become involved in some worthy non-profit that shares their passion… good for you! Those are great things, they really are. I applaud your desire and hope you make the decisions with your free time to add these or other meaningful activities.
The audience I am talking to is filled with people who have been in a fricken prison cell of their own making due to destructive patterns they’ve created over the years. For many, it’s the needle, the pipe, or the bottle… but for so many others, it’s none of these.
Addiction has many faces, and many of those faces can appear so familiar you would think they are friendly. Many of those faces are so common in our everyday life that we don’t realize they’re the face of the enemy. These addictions have moved in and made themselves at home in our living rooms… they’ve learned to blend in so effectively that we don’t realize they’re present and have intentions to wreak havoc upon us. The sound of their suggestions whispering in our ears have taken on the tone of our own voice… we’ve become deceived into believing their thoughts are really our thoughts…
WE’RE AT WAR
Dramatic, aren’t I? Not if you’re in the audience I’m conversating with…
If you are like me, you are in a war and the “change” you are looking for is the kind of change that has the sound of a cell door opening… it’s the feeling of walking out those prison doors a final time and not looking back… It’s having your eyes opened to options and opportunities you never thought were within reach… never thought were in the cards for you. For others? Sure… but not me…
Why am I so intense about this being a war? Hear the everyday stories I got to experience in my office just this week… this is real-life stuff!
- “S” is clean from the meth. She got housing support and is now off the streets. In a recent appointment she talked with excitement about the efforts she was making to decorate the apartment and create a home for herself. Last Wednesday she cried as she called to tell me about her first day of work in a call center job. As she cried, she repeatedly said, “I don’t deserve this…” I tear up as I write this… as I hear her shaky voice coming from my memory. “S” thought this kind of “life” was lost years ago because of all her destructive choices that led to her prison. Think about it… this person is overwhelmed with gratitude over having a dinky little apartment and getting a call-center job…
- “R” came into my office Friday to share about how things are working out for her in ways she never expected with a recent move. She’s been in prison in her past, and with a current DUI charge, she’s trying to rebuild her life… again. She got behind in rent and eventually lost her apartment. Within the past two weeks she had made the decision to move back to her hometown where she had family support, believing she was taking a step back by returning to that small southeastern Colorado town. Within the first week she had a job and her teenage daughter had acclimated successfully back with classmates she grew up with in grade school 5-6 years earlier. “R” talked of the acceptance and the love she was feeling from a circle of support that surrounded her. What a wonderful foundation for her to have as she continues to fight the demons of alcohol and meth and get on her feet. She’s winning!
- “J” set a goal with me to decrease the number of fentanyl pills he’s taking a day by the end of the month. Detox is awaiting him in February if he can’t win this battle on the outside. He’s scared of the withdrawal… he’s at war, and if you’ve paid any attention at all to stories of fentanyl in the news, you’ll know it is a life and death battle for people like “J”. Unfortunately, those who have lost the battle don’t always make the evening news unless they’re a celebrity.
THE MANY FACES OF ADDICTION
Okay, so I’m surrounded by addiction to drugs and alcohol in my work, but as I said earlier, addiction has many faces, and the most dangerous are those addictions that appear common to all of us. We become desensitized to the familiar, and as addiction takes us captive, we fail to see it for what it is; instead, we see it as just another life struggle so many around us have. Let’s look at a couple common ones:
Food:
So many of my clients turn to drugs or alcohol to escape their realities. They don’t want to feel what they are feeling. See anything similar in our culture around food? How often are we guilty of using food to cope with unpleasant emotions? Stress, anxiety, depression… boredom… We turn to food when hunger isn’t the issue. Sure, you may not be participating in illegal activity that could lead to legal issues… but aren’t there significant health issues that come with being overweight… even being obese? Oh, that’s right… it’s a familiar condition so many of us can relate to… so is it really that big of a deal then?
Mediocrity is pleased when we adopt a casual mindset…
The Body Mass Index (BMI) may be a controversial tool, and I would agree that not all 6’0” 225lbs guys are created equal, but if your BMI is > 30.0, you could likely fall under the category of obese… not simply overweight, but obese. Sometimes the facts can be brutal, but if we’re going to begin developing a healthier lifestyle, perhaps it begins with no longer sugar-coating the facts.
Thinking Patterns:
We could go so many directions with this one, but I stay with one just to make a point and keep it short. You ever thought about the idea that you can be addicted to a mindset of negativity? “Really? Addicted?” People get stuck in these negative mindsets and can’t get out of them any easier than an addict trying to give up meth… than “J” trying to give up fentanyl. The problem is, it’s easy to identify when a person engages in a physical addiction, but it’s likely harder to spot when we’ve relapsed into a negative mindset until after we’re already well into it’s powerful grip.
Technology and Entertainment:
I was recently at our local airport in Denver and as I sat at the gate waiting to board, I purposely looked around at the people nearby. So many were staring at their phones or had their laptops out. You may laugh… I may laugh, but why? It’s such a common thing, we can all relate to grabbing our phones and mindlessly scrolling, or “catching up” on email responses or news. It’s somehow less of an issue when it’s a familiar behavior shared by the majority isn’t it… like it’s somehow okay.
Younger people may not see the issue, but as a guy who has been around for a few decades, I certainly see the benefits of having so much information so readily available to us, but I can’t help but see how we have become so much more disconnected from one another. We now find our “connections” with people across town or across the country through social media apps because we don’t know how to connect to the person sitting right next to us. I’ve also read articles over time about the growing anxiety people have when they feel they are missing out on something if they aren’t on their apps, or their value is somehow connected to their number of followers or the number of “likes” they get on a post. I would say there is a very unhealthy emotional tie to our technology… but that’s just an opinion.
So many other areas we could touch on, but this isn’t a book… it’s a post on my blog.
TRAINING THE EYE TO SEE
I think of the famous line in the movie The Sixth Sense where the little boy says, “I see dead people”. Okay, I don’t see dead people, but I see addiction… I see the familiar tone in a person’s voice, I hear the justifications; the rationalizations; the minimizing. The story plays out so often in various ways in my office.
But then, I leave the office, and I still see the similar signs… I still hear the similar sounds… and I’m left to conclude that if we will train our eyes to see it… to hear it, and if we’ll resist accepting the behavior because it’s common in our culture, we may begin to see how the demons of addiction have blended into our everyday culture and begun the process of stealing our best life from us.
I wish I could claim the words in the above picture as my own, but my wife came across the saying when she was scrolling on Facebook. I do feel a measure of pride however that the conversation began with her saying, “Ha… this sounds like something you’d say.”
The words resonate so strongly with me. But before I go further, a quick reminder, I’m not talking with the person looking to make small changes in your life… again, that’s great for you, but as much as I appreciate you getting this far into this post, I’m not talking with you. I’m talking to those of you who, like me, have been battling to find freedom from a prison cell (again, of our own making) that has stolen years from us. It is those of you in this place that understand when I say, we are in a war. I passionately encourage you to remove the sugar-coating and see addiction for what it is… a very powerful force meant to steal something very special from you… to steal something very special from those who would be impacted by you… it’s a force there to steal your best life.