There’s a lot of time spent on the trail between the Trailhead and the Summit; a lot of time for the mind to go in various directions. I’m a reflector… a ponderer… and, as a coworker recently said, a ruminator. At times, I can get lost out in the wilderness of my thoughts, requiring Search & Rescue to come find me.
It’s a privilege when trust is built and my clients come clean about the stuff going on in their lives… not the surface BS excuse-making… but to get real, to unload their plate in my office. The downside of all this trust is that the intensity of the emotions can leave me exhausted and hurting for them, I’m not their savior, I can’t make everything better. There are many circumstances that they simply need to muster the courage to walk through. But the sadness lingers in my heart for Danny, for Jordan, for Kevin… and for Thomas who is sitting in jail right now… Good people who make terrible decisions or are impacted by extreme trauma from their past.
Long intro… many words, but that’s where I’m going today…
The problem is, I care too much. It would be easier to flippantly say, “it was their choice… they need to live with the consequences…” Gag…
It’s all true, it always is their choice… they do need to live with their choices, as do I need to live with my own. But as change-agents, we work closely with people and get into the muck and the mire of their lives; we want to experience the “win” as well. As a former coach, my work as a probation officer is very similar to coaching players; I want to sit on the sidelines and experience the satisfaction of watching my “players” win.
Kevin was 9 days from his probation terminating successfully. He’s done everything well. He and his girlfriend made some great plans. They’d recently purchased property in another state where they were from and were looking forward to moving “home”. Things were falling into place for them. Our last appointment was spent reflecting on the journey, it was my payoff for walking with this guy through this chapter of his story… it was my opportunity to enjoy the “win” with one of my players.
Then, the guard dropped, and he celebrated all those unfolding dreams before he crossed the finish line; he made a terrible decision to celebrate with his girlfriend, to go out to dinner, to take in a concert… and then, to get behind the wheel of the car after drinking. None of the excuses… none of his reasoning matters… he is now sitting in jail after turning himself in on a warrant issued by the original jurisdiction who sent him to be supervised by me.
Then there’s Danny. His close friend was recently shot and killed by a family member. Danny’s demons are cocaine and the gang-culture. He wants more for his young son… but the demons are closing in on him. In the past, I’ve joked with him about how I can still see the “thug-side” in his mannerisms… but he’s such a great guy. But like I said, the demons are closing in… he was scared to come into the office a couple weeks ago because he thought I was going to have him arrested. He agreed to meet me at a Starbucks though (can I get some compensation for this free advertisement?). I watched as he nervously approached on foot, scanning the parking lot for cops. See, Danny’s lost his way and he’s in jeopardy of falling back into the dark-side… hopelessness has a way of deceiving us.
We agreed to sit outside so he could see if he was being set up. As he relaxed… we talked… and I mean talked. We got to the heart of some issues… he cried. This tough kid just broke down. I admit I teared up… I won’t be unaffected… we take the people home with us… we take a measure of their pain in our hearts…
Then I woke up at 3:30am today with Cameron on my mind. I couldn’t clear my thoughts, so I never found sleep again.
BROKEN
This is where I’ve been for some time now. This trail to the Summit comes with a lot of quiet time along the way; a lot of time to reflect, to think… to enjoy the little things we notice when the noise around us is turned down, but also to reflect on the heavier things of life. This blog… the dream of writing a book… it’s all about one thing… It’s about the need to see people win. It’s about needing to see people discover the beauty within… the diamond within. With every opportunity for a win, there seem to be countless opportunities to lose. With every loss, hopelessness becomes stronger – yeah, yeah, they must take accountability…, we can bang on the accountability drum until we’re blue in the face, but as true as that all is, some people simply haven’t learned how to win yet and it’s heartbreaking.
The stories of my clients… if you had the opportunity to know them like I am getting to know them, would demonstrate we have so much in common… so very much. When I connect with their stories, I somehow find pieces of my own story navigating the same path.
When our focus remains on the surface, there is so many differences… their lives are filled with incarceration, drug addiction, homelessness, a path of pain caused to many around them… I do not share that in common with my clients. But if we will dare to focus on what’s below the surface… on the brokenness, on the fears, the insecurities, the trauma… that is where I find the common path we share… and that is where I choose to meet my clients and call them “my people”.
“Broken” has been a word branded upon my mind for possibly 6-months now. I have wrestled with how I was going to incorporate this into the “Climbing Mountains” theme. I know it is incredibly relevant to the process… but how do I draw the line connecting this for you… the reader. This has led to many quiet days of silently walking and wrestling… one step at a time.
Conversations along the way have served to reinforce the need to “go there” … to talk about “Brokenness” as a part of the process of getting to the Summit. It may be necessary for many of us to embrace this process if we want to get to the right Summit. You can’t trust a broken compass and if you do, it’s likely you won’t find out you were led astray until you end up where you didn’t want to be.
I think I’ll stop here. There’s so much to say as I open this door, but it may be a good place to brake for now. I had a lot of processing to work through. My heart has been heavy in recent weeks/months… the weightiness of people’s stories slowly adds up. Brokenness is a place I must go in this blog… to avoid it has only led me to feel stuck. It’s a trail that must be taken to get to the Summit.