I WANNA…
It’s a weekly topic of conversation in my office… sobriety, getting out of the legal system… getting “my life” together.
- I wanna get clean…
- I wanna get sober…
- I wanna get off probation…
- I wanna get back into my kids lives…
It came up when I was a basketball coach…
- I wanna win state…
- I wanna be all-conference…
- I wanna earn a college scholarship…
It’s every other conversation that happens in (and out) of my office around the topic of “change”.
- I wanna lose weight…
- I wanna get healthy…
- I wanna get out of debt…
- I wanna get a better job…
- I wanna save money and buy a house…
- I wanna have a healthier relationship…
- I wanna go back to school…
- I wanna start my own business…
- I wanna write a book…
- I wanna learn another language…
- I wanna learn how to play the guitar…
- I wanna be an artist…
- I wanna travel…
- I wanna…
Most everyone has a “wanna”…
This is not so different from jail talk. Hmmm… where is this going? Let me show you why I say that.
“JAIL TALK”
Years ago, I remember standing in the courtroom after the docket was finished one day. Everyone had cleared out and it was just me with the judge, the deputy district attorney and the public defender assigned to that courtroom, processing the events of that day’s docket. The judge brought up one case where the offender talked about how their life had changed while in jail… they “found Jesus”. The judge made a comment about how many people “find Jesus” in jail. This person was no doubt doing their best to plead for mercy… to avoid possible jail time from the Court.
That memory came up a few months ago when I was talking with a client before I transferred her to another program for court supervision. She’d been stuck in purgatory in a Wyoming jail for about 6 months because Wyoming and Colorado courts couldn’t seem to get on the same page.
As we talked about all that she had gone through and the observations she had made about her circumstances during that time, the client made the comment, “So many people find Jesus in jail, and then high-five him on the way out.” She was referring to the fact so many people want to change when faced with adverse circumstances in their lives, but once those circumstances are removed, in this case, once the cell doors opened and they walked out, those people go on with their lives, making no changes… just repeating patterns until they once again run into Jesus on their next incarceration.
What struck me about that was how much I could see that scenario play out in everyday life.
I WANNA BE CLEAN & SOBER
I simply cannot tell you how many of my current and former clients wanted to be clean and sober from drugs or alcohol. The problem is, almost every one of those conversations could have been me on the other side of that table talking about my own desire for changes.
- Sure, it wasn’t the needle, the pipe, or the bottle… but it was something.
- Sure, I may not have lost my freedom, but a heart attack in July 2022 due to my issues could have been fatal…
Addiction has many faces, but if we don’t beat it, it will likely lead to a prison of our own making, which others may not see… but which we experience in powerful ways.
I WANNA… UNTIL I DON’T WANNA
The other morning, I was writing in my journal and reflecting on the idea of “jail talk”. I was thinking about how “jail talk” may be a fairly common thing if we understand how it sounds in different settings.
As I wrote about my battle with weight loss, I wrote those very words… “I wanna…until I don’t wanna.”
- I wanna eat healthier…until I see the donuts in the office. Then I don’t wanna eat healthier.
- I wanna work out on my elliptical… until I get home from work and I’m tired. Then I don’t wanna work out.
- I wanna develop as a writer…until I don’t wanna get up early in the mornings to do the work before going into the office. Then, I don’t wanna be a writer.
I wonder how this plays out in other situations.
- I wanna save money… until I don’t wanna stay on my budget…
- I wanna go back to school… until I don’t wanna spend my evenings in class…
- I wanna learn a language (or learn an instrument) … until I don’t wanna sacrifice TV time at night…
- I wanna be more productive with my free time… until I don’t wanna put my cellphone down…
- I wanna establish some new habits around working out… until I don’t wanna get up early when the alarm goes off two hours earlier than it used to.
WE WANT THE OUTCOME, NOT THE PROCESS
I shared these thoughts with my supervisor earlier this week because we talk often about the concept of “change”. I told him my conclusion is that when we struggle with follow through, I tend to think it’s because we want the outcome, but we haven’t fully embraced the process.
As it relates to my clients, I truly believe most of them are sincere about their desire to be clean and sober… but they’re not committed to winning the process that goes through withdrawals, they haven’t considered the process of creating a new identity and a new lifestyle that is free from using drugs… many haven’t accepted that this outcome of sobriety may require them to go through the process of establishing a completely new social circle.
Let’s talk about weight loss… who doesn’t want to be healthier, right? But if that’s you, will you embrace the process that comes with losing weight? Will you commit to the workouts before or after a long day at work? Will you commit to saying “No!” to the cravings for unhealthy foods? Will you commit to portion control? My expertise is not in health and nutrition, but as a guy who’s on a journey toward better health, there are some fundamentals that seem obvious to me… what calories are coming into my body, and what choices am I willing to make to help my body burn those calories out of my body?
What about your financial health? There aren’t too many of us who just don’t want to be in a better place financially. That’s a great outcome to desire! But what about the process of following a budget? Saving? Investing? All that requires that we deny immediate gratification, doesn’t it? That process doesn’t seem all that fun… in the short-term.
Next spring my wife and I are planning a trip to the Caribbean. We’ve been to Mexico probably 6-7 times. Each time I’ve regretted not taking the time to learn Spanish before traveling. I say each time we return home that I am going to learn Spanish before we go again. It hasn’t happened yet. I want the outcome, but not the process of devoting spare time to the task.
THE “WHY” HAS TO BE GREATER
Again, going back to the conversation with my supervisor. One of our conclusions to the “outcomes verses process” conversation was that when people struggle with following through, their “why” is not great enough. When we face those forces of resistance that attempt to thwart our upward progress, our “why” must be important enough to propel us through the resistance.
The person who wants to be sober is going to have all kinds of forces coming against them. Their reasons for wanting to be sober must be so much greater than their desire to use.
I want to lose weight. Why? If my reason is so I weigh less…sorry, I’ll take that chocolate glazed donut please. If my desire is just so I don’t have another heart attack…honestly, I’m not sure that is a powerful incentive either. But if my “Why” is so I can have a lifestyle of hiking mountains with my daughter, be more active with my wife and enjoy great experiences like Mexico… okay, there’s my “Why”.
I want to write a book. Why? If my “Why” is to make money, honestly, I don’t think that’s going to get me very far. I have to write with a purpose. There has to be something meaningful in the act or I’d rather do something else. My DNA is to coach, motivate, challenge, inspire… if that’s my “Why” then I’m more likely to fight through the resistance.
Regardless of what your “wanna” is, my thoughts are that you better have a strong “Why” or there will come a point where the process will bring challenges that test your convictions, and if the “Why” cannot stand in the face of those tests, it’s likely you’ll find a number of reasons why you don’t wanna no more.