This post is about looking forward, looking backwards, and the moment we’re in right now. It was conceived in my head as I stood downstairs in my basement making my second cup of coffee this morning, pondering a tragic event that took place earlier this week in the life of one of my probation clients. Can I take a moment to set up the situation behind the post?
JULIE
Julie has been a client of mine for over a year now. She was arrested on an ordinary traffic stop when she was found to be in possession of several illegal drugs. Over the year I’ve supervised her case, I’ve benefitted personally by learning more of her perspective regarding addiction, and honestly, the pain she has been in from not being clean has accompanied me on my drive home on more than a few occasions. Addiction has many ugly heads, some lead to legal issues, others to health issues…but many can be rather stealth and unnoticed if we’re not willing to exam our lives. They can occupy our blind spots, noticed by everyone around us…but completely out of our awareness.
So… when I’ve met with Julie every couple weeks I can honestly say I learn something from her circumstances that cause me to pause and consider my own personal battles.
Earlier this week I came to work and learned that Julie’s daughter had been in the courthouse and stopped by Probation to find out who Julie’s probation officer was. Julie was scheduled to appear in court on two misdemeanor charges that morning, and the daughter was there to inform the Court that Julie would not be appearing.
See, Julie is in the Intensive Care Unit fighting for her life because she was involved in a traffic accident the evening before. Yesterday, about 4 days later, I was able to speak with a nurse in ICU and got a sobering update. Julie had been in surgery and is currently on a ventilator. The nurse emphasized to me that Julie will be there for “months”. I interrupted the nurse’s update to clarify if I heard correctly… “Months?” The nurse confirmed I heard correctly. Julie has a traumatic brain injury, and if she can make it through this, she will likely be there for months. I thanked the nurse for sharing what she was able to share, and I hung up. It was around the 4:00 hour on a Friday afternoon so I had no more appointments…I was left to sit in the thoughts from that conversation.
SATURDAY MORNING… my favorite time of the week
This morning I woke thinking about grabbing coffee and heading for my front porch…it’s the place where I wrestle with life… It’s the place where meaningful reflection takes place… and sometimes, if I can’t head for the mountains and hit the trail, my front porch is the sanctuary where I find silence from the noise, the distractions of a busy life…
Julie’s circumstances came across my mind before I could get out of bed. She’s fighting for her life in a hospital room about 10 minutes from my peaceful front porch, the place I will soon arrive at with my homemade black cherry-white chocolate latte, find a good vein to inject the caffeine, and begin my own escape into Neverland.
I grabbed my journal and my first cup of coffee, and Julie’s circumstances accompanied me to the front porch. I began writing thoughts as they came, as I consumed my first cup of coffee. Tears found my eyes as I considered Julie’s circumstances…then Jim’s, then Nick’s. One by one, several clients began to appear in my mind’s eye. Please understand, this isn’t about me being unable to turn off my work…this is about my own pursuit for meaning, purpose, and passion… for living life to it’s fullest; it’s about keeping my eyes wide-open to what I can learn from others and apply to my own life. And I must stress, in so many ways, I have found myself in a prison cell somewhat similar to that of my clients…it’s the prison cell of addiction. I am unable to separate my client’s stories from my own because in some ways, the fight with addiction can look so similar… Yes, every story is so very unique… some stories have significant tragedy that fill their chapters while others, like mine, appear to be less dramatic, but there are themes of our stories that can have an uncomfortable familiarity to them. It is that familiarity that links me to my client’s stories.
I pause and head for my basement coffee bar to make the second cup of coffee. As I stand down there worshipping at the temple of my espresso machine, the thought came across my mind… “The moment we are in.” As I considered those words, I wondered where my phone was. I need to make some notes… I can sense this is going somewhere this morning.
THE MOMENT WE ARE IN
Some people are highly focused; driven by the thoughts of what they’re after somewhere out in the future…their version of the “SUMMIT”. Most everything they do is driven by the thought of getting to the summit of the mountain they are climbing. Many others, like Nick ( a favorite client of mine), are ensnared by the thoughts of their past. They become stuck in guilt, in regret, in condemnation or shame…they can’t get free from their past. They constantly battle with self-deprecating thoughts regarding things they cannot undo…outcomes they can never change from their past. When they remain stuck in this portal to the past, I suspect they are more likely to make the same mistakes repeatedly in their present and their future.
In both circumstances, they miss the only moment they have any control over impacting…this moment we are in…right now. There is no other place where a person can find the opportunity to make an impact on the trajectory of their lives other than the moment we are in. Sure, the past can give us wisdom, the future can influence the direction we want to go, but the moment we are in is where the power lies.
The future is undetermined. We can want what we want…but there’s no guarantee we will ever arrive in those moments out in the future. Sure, we take moments to look out to what we are aiming for…but before we can make any progress toward those lofty summits out ahead of us, we must take the step right in front of us…in this moment.
The past is filled with memories…there is nothing we can alter, no outcome we can change, no opportunity for a redo…it’s written in pen, it’s done; it’s over. We can forgive now; we can learn now; but we can never go back and redo them. So allowing ourselves to be ensnared by our past will ultimately do nothing but keep us trapped in our past.
THESE ARE COMPLICATING THOUGHTS
Not every moment is spent in that “front-porch” experience enjoying your version of sipping on lattes. This morning I found a simple joy in the peace of sitting in the quiet, enjoying clear skies and a cool 58-59 degree temperature. The cares, the demands of the workweek were behind me…this was my time now, and I was making the most of it.
But like I said earlier, only 10 miles away is a woman battling for her life on a ventilator in the ICU unit of the local hospital. If she were aware of her surroundings right now, I wonder if she would be overcome with regrets for whatever decisions led her to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I wonder if she would be looking out into the future and questioning what life will look like a month from now, a year from now… or I wonder if she would be thankful that she is alive this moment in order to fight. I may never know the answer.
CLOSING
I speak often of setting your sights on the “SUMMIT”, of the mountains you desire to climb in this life. I speak of taking the time to look back at where we’ve come from, to learn, to appreciate what we’ve accomplished to this point… but how important it is to recognize that the moment we are in is the only moment we have any impact over right now. It’s the only moment we have any control to determine what our next step is going to be…what direction that step will take us.
- Will that next step take us forward up the mountain?
- Will that next step begin the process of turning back…of retreating back down the mountain?
- Will that next step take us off-course, getting lost somewhere out in the wilderness?
Only the moment we are in has the power to determine that next step we are about to take.
I hope that in this moment, you find things to be grateful for, to be thankful for. I hope that if you are in a spot you do not desire to be in this moment, that you will find the power of the moment to do something about your circumstances…to no longer remain stuck in this moment, to not repeat this moment, but to begin a process for impacting future moments out ahead of you.
I hope to see you at the Summit.
July 25th – Update on Julie
I went to see Julie yesterday. Her daughter was gracious enough to invite me to visit. Julie is coming out of her coma a month and 6 days after the accident. She opened her eyes but it felt like she looked right through me. She grunts at what appears like something she finds unpleasant, like when the OT gently stretches her fingers out.
I learned that Julie was hit while riding an electronic scooter home from work late at night. She closes at a local fast-food hamburger chain. She always talked of enjoying the job because it allowed her opportunities to interact with people and help.
I was sad as I talked with Julie, encouraging her that I was in her corner in this newest chapter of her life.
I sit here on my front porch reflecting… we have no guarantees do we? This may be a dark thought, but there are people who won’t make it to the end of this day, and they have no idea the outcome is coming.
I don’t say that to be ominous, I say it because we get one bite at the apple today. At the end of this day, we get no do-over. We need to make it count. Look out into the future to make sure you’re heading the way you want; look back into the past to learn where you can, but give today… give this moment you are in your very best.
Again, hope to see you at the Summit; but I hope you get to see me up there as well.