Sittin’ on a plane
that never takes off;
thinkin’ of all my plans
when I get to my dream destination
I was stuck in a negative mindset on this particular morning as I got settled into my space where I connect with caffeine, journal, and find a measure of inspiration to take into the workday.
It would appear to be a safe statement that we all need inspiration to be the best version of ourselves regardless of the work we do, but for me, my daily conversations always seem to come back around to addiction. So many of my clients are simply stuck. They’re stuck in addiction; dysfunctional relationships; dead-end jobs; the legal system through their bad choices; fragile housing situations…some are one financial hit from being homeless while others are already on the streets; but ultimately, I believe they’re stuck in negative perspectives about life.
So…when I said earlier that I was trying to find a measure of inspiration for my day…what I really mean is that I wanted to find something to offer people who are going through some pretty overwhelming personal battles…and they need some sort of lifeline to grab onto before they go under. Wait! I think I’m there too!
The words at the beginning of this post…the ones about sitting on a plane, those words came to me as I wrote in my journal on this particular morning leading up to the weekend of Christmas. My tank felt empty, passion was low…I felt worn out and banged up from my own personal fights.
QUICK PAUSE HERE
In reflecting, I had come to the sad conclusion I’d been losing a lot more than I had been winning in recent months. From mid-October through the end of the year, I believe I added one post to this blog, and honestly, I had nothing to offer anyone…readers, clients, family… My motivation for exercising had disappeared, my health declined as my weight increased…and in the midst of moments of self-hate for how I had allowed myself to fall back into this pathetic place, what I despised most was that I had no fight in me. Where the hell did that motivated guy go?
Is it okay to be honest here about where I was at? Because if it’s not, you’re wasting your time reading this, and I’m certainly wasting my time pecking away at my laptop.
If you’re still here…
As I said in my last post “Hello?”, there are times along the journey when we hit critical moments where we must do some serious self-evaluation. Are we going to climb the large mountains before us…or are we going to compromise and turn back to the safety of our vehicle parked at the trailhead? I guess if we choose to head back to the trailhead then we can use whatever vices we need to become comfortably numb and no longer face the critical self-evaluation.
For the rest of my life, I want to be climbing mountains (real and metaphorical), and if I’m going to be honest with myself, I will take on those mountains that challenge me rather than avoid them for easier conquests. If we are going to live a lifestyle of authenticity, then it seems pretty obvious we are going to hit points in the journey when vulnerability surfaces and we will have to wrestle with crap that becomes exposed in our lives. I don’t believe for a second that a person can get through this life without injury in some form…some heal; many cover the wounds.
So…that’s where I was on this particular morning…sitting on a plane (in my basement), looking out the window at the tarmac because this plane didn’t appear to be taking off anytime soon.
THE ILLUSION I’M GOING SOMEWHERE
You board the plane, store the carry-on, and grab your seat; finally, you can take a deep breath and relax right? You didn’t oversleep and miss the flight; you got to the airport with no issues; got through security…now it’s time to sit back, relax and let the pilots do their thing.
Soon, you’ll be at that destination you’ve been reading about on the internet and anticipating for some time. You’ve annoyed your coworkers all week long, reminding them about your upcoming trip and complaining about how unmotivated you were to get through this week; complaining about how slow the last few days seemed to crawl along until the day your dream vacation would finally arrive. Now here you are, sitting in your chair, awaiting the departure…
…that doesn’t come.
That was the image I had as I wrote those words at the beginning of this post back in December…when I was in the midst of having my ass kicked by many of my personal battles. In my disgust, I created an exaggerated image to show how ridiculous it is to possess dreams and yet struggle with following through with the required steps to get there. Is it a dream or not? Do you want it or not…right?
Something needs to change…and it needs to change now! That was my mindset on January 2nd.
SLAP THE FLOOR (Okay, I’m no longer on the plane…I’m in the gym)
This is not a “Squirrel!” moment…stay with me.
I’ve always disliked Duke University basketball. Probably because they’ve been consistently good for so long…but whatever, I hate Duke. So, I use this metaphor a bit under protest…but as a former (and maybe someday a future) basketball coach…I can’t help but love the power of the metaphor.
Anyone familiar with Duke basketball knows they are known for a tradition of “slapping the floor” when they were on defense during a big moment of a game that required them to create a defensive stop of their opponent. It was powerful to see five guys in unison (see pic below) making a commitment to one another to take a defensive stand and begin the process of turning momentum back into their favor.
It’s a bold move really. Think about it…while struggling in a game (possibly even losing) they’re willing to send a message to the opponent in front of a packed arena that they intend to stop the momentum right here; right now. There’s a possibility they will fail…but they’re willing to make a commitment that it stops now.
Now, do you see where I’m heading with this?
Well, I needed to slap the floor in my own life. I needed to make a stand and begin the process of turning momentum in my favor.
I’ve done this… I’m back in the game and although I won’t go into the details of what I’ve done because it’s still early in the process, I will point out that the game I’m playing in doesn’t seem to have a clock, so it never hits 0:00. This is a game that never ends, a game that requires those of us who play it, to possess a mindfulness of being present and in the moment because those of us in this game are addicts. My opponent will lay in the dark places (kind of like the mountain lion in that previous post) waiting for the moment to pounce on me, the moment when I’ve lost awareness of the battle I’m in.
For those unaware of my history, my addiction…? My addiction is sugar…it is using food to cope with shit that gets stirred up in my life…my addiction is allowing the security of the comfort zone to make my world smaller, safer, and more manageable, a world free from big risk. In the meantime, the consequence for all this safety is a world too small for big dreams.
So, when I sit on the plane looking out onto the tarmac…I allow myself to feel a fake sense of excitement about a place that in reality, I never intend to arrive at because my plane never takes off.
THAT is what happens when we choose to remain safely in the stands as spectators in this game of life. Nothing is ever expected of us…we simply sit and watch as others compete…as others put it on the line.
I know I’m going back and forth with the metaphors here but as a basketball coach and as a life coach…these worlds seem to weave in and out, constantly joined together by the hats I have worn through my life. But, we’re about to board the plane again okay?
“WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL PASSIONATE?”
It was a simple question I asked my daughter over coffee. She’s chosen to return to school, and I worry for her. She is pursuing a path very similar to my career, and I see so many younger people burning out, disillusioned about the work. Her response shut me down. She wants to help those who struggle to find their place, to pull themselves up and make something good of their lives…
How can I talk her out of that?
I applaud the passion…and I will encourage the journey. But along the way, this journey comes at a price. Those of us in the work of helping others see a lot of loss along the way, and we must hold tightly to the wins when we get the chance to experience them.
But I’ve also learned in my own journey that I cannot simply wait to experience the wins of others. If that’s where I find my cup getting filled, then I’m dependent on others to fill it; I must create my own “wins” as well.
We all have dreams and many of those who have chosen to follow this blog have what I’ve previously referred to as positive usernames… names focused on health and fitness, loosing weight, eating healthy, financial fitness, etc.
(Ha! And you’re choosing to follow an older fat guys blog? What’s up with that!)
Regardless of what our lives look like right now, there is always a mountain out ahead of us…calling out to us…challenging us…enticing us to come climb it. We may love our careers; we may have a wonderful home life…we may be people who have it all together, but there’s still a hunger; it’s in our nature to climb isn’t it? It’s in our nature to want an adventure, to have a little spice in our diets.
If I’m truly healthy mentally, I believe I could finish my career in Probation because I get such a high off helping people find their way. But there is a dream destination out there I want to get to…I want to write; and although I wonder if I have the energy in me anymore, sometimes I want to take over a high school basketball program again and coach.
Nothing flashy…just a desire to follow my heart to the places it beats intensely. To do this, I know I must defeat my addictions…I must walk in victory in my health…I must win some fights that have kept me sitting on the tarmac.
I’d say it’s time for takeoff, but to say this comes with a sense of annoyance. It’s time for takeoff for sure…but I’ve lived long enough to realize that climbing the mountain in front of me will feel great…but it will also expose another mountain that lays beyond my sight, awaiting a future challenge… I know that somewhere in my journey, even with progress, I will likely come face to face with new self-doubts…new questions, and I may find myself wrestling in emotions similar to what I’m dealing with now. But it is time to get this plane off the ground.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Has your plane taken off? Are you actively on your way to those destinations that will fulfill you? Are you tapping into those areas of your life that make you feel alive? Are you facing down the insecurities that come with stepping out and taking a risk?
Some pursuits come with a measure of sacrifice. Sometimes, we have to give up the “GOOD” in order to make room for the “GREAT”. Sometimes we don’t have the luxury of a guarantee before we release the GOOD…but we still must consider whether we’re willing to make room for the GREAT.
If you need to think about this, let me ask you one favor. While you consider whatever questions you may need to resolve, will you make sure you are totally honest with yourself. If the plane’s on the tarmac, don’t lie to yourself that you’re on your way somewhere. Be honest with the fact you’re sitting there on the tarmac. Engage…Wrestle…Fight! And then be cleared for takeoff.
FOREVER GROWING
We never really arrive anywhere, do we? But we can keep climbing the mountains in front of us, and we can keep enjoying the views from the top before we set our sights on the next one.
(That’s Cancun down there somewhere. We’re no longer on the tarmac…)
