(My thoughts are constantly evolving. I’m challenged by differing perspectives and will always be open to reviewing and revising. This is just where I stand at this point in time.)
One of the biggest impacts in my life was when I came to the realization that so many of my probation clients over the years…those people who seemed to repeat the same mistakes and stumble over the same issues; who constantly found themselves living far below what they had the potential to live at; who couldn’t seem to see the thinking errors others around them could see…had so much more in common with me than I was comfortable admitting.
Prior to making some significant life changes beginning in 2018 (and by the way, I’m hardly finished in these areas), I remember often making the 30-minute drive home at night stuck in the emotions of thoughts surrounding my clients’ stories and circumstances, silently thinking, “when are you going to start practicing what you preach?” I had amazing advice for people in challenging circumstances…if only I would apply it to my own life. Sigh…
It’s so easy to help someone work through their issues, isn’t it? Applying the same advice to our own circumstances feels a bit harder because sometimes things just sit there in our blind spots, clearly seen by others around us, but completely beyond our awareness.
I SEE DEAD PEOPLE
(Okay…maybe not dead people, but the famous line from the movie popped into my mind as I began this paragraph)
Perhaps its my background as a probation officer, perhaps its my wiring as a basketball coach, but for whatever reason, I seem to have an eye for spotting patterns. I see patterns in how people talk, I see patterns in people’s behavior and body language…and I typically become curious and want to take a closer look at what those patterns potentially reveal. Sometimes I simply file the information away because it means nothing in that moment.
I’m a ponderer. I can entertain myself for hours just sitting in my own head looking for something interesting to reflect on. I began evaluating patterns in my own life and spotted harmful thinking patterns that manifested in different circumstances dating back to my middle-school years. I’ll get into this more in a bit, but right now, I want to focus on the Limp in general, I will have no problem talking about my limp specifically in a bit.
Somewhere in the past few years, as thoughts of “the limp” were developing in my mind, I shared with a dear friend of about 20 years what I was learning, and how I suspected this was more common than I’d thought.
- Could it be that it’s not just people like my probation clients who walk through this life with a limp?
- Could it be, this is something more common, but because of the nature of the wound inflicted, we expend tremendous energy keeping emotional injuries concealed from others?
- Could it be that walking with a limp has become so common for many of us it’s now become normalized in our lives?
Sharing these thoughts and experiences led to my friend becoming very vulnerable as he shared something I’d never heard from him over the years; something that perhaps influenced the lens he viewed this life through for the next 40+ years to this day!
This vulnerability came with tears…he was sharing experiences and the accompanying thoughts and emotions birthed from the experience. This stuff was so deep it had never been brought out before…and we’d had many meaningful conversations over the years. Perhaps this box of emotional crap had been packed and buried so deeply it was beyond his awareness but as I’ve learned in the many conversations I’ve had with clients over the years, the influence of the wound, regardless of how deeply it’s buried, can linger and continue to impact current perspectives, and these perspectives we carry through life can influence the decisions we continue to make…i.e., repeated patterns of behavior.
AUTHENTICITY, TRANSPARENCY and other BUZZWORDS
Over the years, I’ve been a part of groups where words like authenticity and transparency have been thrown around. I don’t for a moment believe people using those words were insincere, but my experience meeting with hundreds and possibly thousands of clients over the decades in probation has led me to look at things a bit differently today.
I realized years ago these accountability groups were only going to work if people were all-in on being held accountable themselves. Think about it for a moment here, if you’re struggling in certain areas of your life, are you really going to want to ask the tough questions of someone else? Are you going to open that door knowing the question is likely to come right back at you? Absolutely…if you’re committed to the change process in your own life. But when you are wavering in that conviction, it’s possible that door is avoided. This is not in any way to be critical of those experiences I’ve been a part of, but I believe there were many times when the white elephant was standing in the middle of the room, and we just didn’t want to deal with it.
I’ve touched on this briefly in the “About” section of my blog (CLICK HERE), but for years I was a part of accountability groups in church settings. I distinctly remember my drive home one night from the last men’s group meeting I ever attended. I was agitated and disappointed; I was searching for something I wasn’t finding. I spoke with an old friend over the phone as I made my way home that night, sharing frustrations and openly questioning why I found so much more meaning in conversations with my probation clients than I found with men in a church setting that advertised words such as transparency, authenticity, and often threw around the phrase “iron sharpening iron.”
The obvious point to be made here is that when a guy comes in on probation, they can BS you for a bit, but bottom line, we’re gonna talk about why you’re here. Their baggage is exposed…sort of. You read the ugly facts laid out in the police report and any evaluation findings ordered by the court, and bottom line, the layers are stripped away and there aren’t many places to hide; a person can feel exposed.
As much as I believe each guy wanted that atmosphere of authenticity in those church group setting, I think self-preservation kicks in and we protect ourselves, laying down some cards…but taking some cards with us to the grave. We get real…but we don’t get THAT real.
SKIN IN THE GAME
I’ve always believed that if we’re truly going to get anywhere meaningful in our probation appointments, I must be willing to put some skin in the game. As in the issues with the church group atmosphere, if we’re not willing to lay all our cards on the table, there’s always some opportunity for bluffing. I may not get into the juicy details of my own baggage, but I will share enough to let a guy know I’m talking from personal experience.
It’s so easy for me to relate to an addict because, although my addiction is food…the emotional cycle is real: the shame, the disgust with relapse, the self-loathing, the longing for freedom from this metaphorical prison cell, the efforts to be free only to experience failure after failure, the hopelessness about ever winning this battle.
But…we must go deeper still because there is a reason for the addiction to the food just like there is a reason for the addiction to the needle, the pipe, or the bottle. This is where shit gets real…this is where the limp is revealed; this is where we find common ground to stand on.
Sure, my issues aren’t illegal; I’m not in jeopardy of going to jail, community corrections, or possibly prison, but the health issues certainly are as evidenced by my heart attack 2 months ago.
Perhaps it is because of my own desire for change that I choose to be transparent with my clients, but for whatever reason, I’ve learned so much about me and my perspective has been powerfully shaped by appointments with my clients.
Which leads to a larger point I want to make here…
LIFE CAN BE HARSH
I suspect that in the silent recesses of our own mind, in the place no one else has access to, I suspect many of us walk with a limp sustained from one or possibly more wounds sustained in this journey of life.
- Whether that wound be intentionally or unintentionally delivered
- Whether it be from a loved one or a stranger
- From a person in a position of trust such as a teacher or a coach
- Whether it be one inflicted during those hard middle-school and high-school years when we’re all trying to figure out who we are
- Possibly from an employer
- A parent, a sibling, or a child
- Or from a person or circumstance that doesn’t fall into one of these categories
I again emphasize that I suspect many of us have sustained a wound that if not properly healed from, has led to a limp we’ve learned to compensate for as we navigate through this life.
THE AMAZING MUSCULOSKELETAL SYSTEM
Think about this metaphor briefly. I can tell you from first-hand experience, this played out in my life and I’ll share the specifics after I make the point.
Here’s the metaphor: You injure your foot somehow but rather than seek medical attention so the injury heals properly, you try to power through hoping time will bring healing. You begin favoring the foot as you walk, and over time the poor fundamentals for walking place a demand on the ankle joint that the ankle joint was never intended to bear; and you keep powering through…
Time goes by and you start noticing some pain in your knees…the pain starts as something minor, and you see no connection between this and the foot injury which still hasn’t healed properly. AND… you’re still walking incorrectly. After some time, your knee really starts bothering you and you completely forget about the foot issue. In fact, the foot issue is something you’ve learned to live with, and you don’t think much about it anymore.
Without belaboring the point, the issue moves into your hip, your lower back, up your spine and into your cervical spine area. You start experiencing headaches and you’ve long forgot about your foot/ankle/knee issues. Now, your gait is simply your gait, you don’t even realize there is a limp because you’ve walked this way forever.
I’m not a doctor and I have not stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, so I’m no medical expert here…but this is kind of how I see the path wounds and thinking problems can take in our lives if not dealt with and healed from. Somewhere way down the path in this journey of life, something is not operating properly, and we fail to see how it could be related to an event that took place in our past.
Here’s my real-life example. In 2015, in efforts to avoid a knee replacement surgery, I took a chance on stem-cell replacement. For me personally, it came with amazing results. When I began seeing the physical therapist within a week after the procedure, I discovered that I needed to relearn how to walk. The physical therapist pointed out how years of dealing with my painful left knee had led me to learn ways to compensate in efforts to minimize my pain. These “compensations” led to very poor fundamentals in the basic act of walking. I was almost 54 years old, and I needed to relearn the basic skill of walking. Ridding myself of the deeply established bad habits in walking were surprisingly difficult…the poor fundamentals had become such a part of my everyday life for years…and I had no idea it was happening.
THE INADEQUACY LIMP
Before I close this post, I want to touch on my specific limp mentioned earlier. It’s not a dramatic event or injury and yet, the thinking errors reinforced over the years have led to a dysfunctional pattern which I spoke of earlier. I could probably continue hiding this if I wanted…but that would then require me to be okay missing out on living my best life. I would have to become okay with walking through this life with a limp, and I can’t do that anymore, especially if I’m going to sit on my side of the desk and challenge my clients to fight for their best life.
I look back on patterns and I have forever had a mentality that “there is someone more qualified for [fill in the blank]”. It would appear this limp surfaces when there is something I am deeply passionate about. I first noticed this when I was approached in 2005 about becoming the coach for a middle school basketball program. I turned down requests several times before someone found a way to get in touch with my wife. Through the pressure applied, I stepped into a position I always dreamt of, but never felt I was quite adequate to fill.
Three years later, after winning our league championship, I was again pressured, this time to step into the high school head coach position. Again… “there’s got to be someone else more qualified…” Fact is, I’m sure there probably was someone out there more qualified, but this was my job and it was my responsibility to step into it.
In the years since…
I’ve dreamt of becoming a writer. I’ve even had a very specific book I wanted to write, but you know what? “There has to be someone else more qualified…” I’m absolutely sure there is someone more qualified out there…but that story is one I’m supposed to write. This blog is an exercise in taking those steps.
Before I move on. Let me emphasize something here. Where did that thought come from? Where did I begin to think there were others more qualified? Where did I take on the belief that I was inadequate for something I was deeply passionate about?
I really cannot say. I can remember during my middle school years and early high school years my dad would be frustrated with me because I would not take an open shot in basketball games, shots he would see me make all the time when no one was around. Could it be that back then I got that message that there’s someone more qualified to take that shot? Maybe, but I don’t remember any significant event.
I share this personal “limp” because when I speak of “wounds” and “injuries”, it doesn’t have to be a traumatic event…it could be a harmless (but inaccurate) thought that wandered across our mind and we decided to let it move in and build a house of lies in our mind.
WRAPPING THIS UP
These experiences I’ve laid out in this post have led me to several conclusions:
- I believe many of us have sustained wounds or come into agreement with faulty thinking patterns over the years that have led to a limp developing in our lives.
- I believe that for many of us, if we would look back on our lives with a critical eye, we may see patterns that reveal this limp.
- I believe this limp must be dealt with through becoming intentional in developing a game plan to combat the injury or thinking pattern…in short, I don’t believe it simply goes away.
- Like fighting for sobriety, I do not believe we can take a day off from the battle.
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