“Hopeless” has to start somewhere right?

CONTINUING WITH TRANSPARENCY

The trouble with being transparent in posts like this is that those who may benefit from hearing this perspective may not be in a solution-focused mode…and if they come across this post, they may not be as likely to expend the energy reading it.  I know when I’m in “check-out mode”, you’re not likely to find me combing the internet looking for someone to challenge me on my crap. 

However, this is exactly why I’m writing this post right now…I need to be real about where I’m at, and I need to be challenged to move out of this rut I’ve been occupying the past 8-9 months.  Don’t worry, I’m not looking for anyone to hold me accountable; I’ve learned that if I don’t want something, it doesn’t matter how many people are “holding me accountable” … I’m going to do what I want to do, even if its relapsing.

I remember the freedom I obtained over the past few years, and I need to find that fighter within who helped me step into that place back then…he’s inside of me…I just need to draw him out once again. 

I say this with a somewhat hollow tone…but I am a “change agent”.  It does not mean I’ve mastered the opposition…hardly!  I do believe we (I) can overcome the opposition we (I) face, and I believe there is strength in knowing we are not alone in our fight, knowing that there are others out there who are willing to get up each day and fight for their better life is encouraging.  That is the motivation for writing this post…

I’ve also learned over the years working with people struggling with addiction issues that to be transparent in my own adversity has made me more relatable with my clients.  I’m not simply regurgitating some theory I read about in a book, I’ve navigated the emotional cycle of relapse; guilt  shame & self-loathing; anger; victory; false confidence; and a face plant back in relapse.  As I’ve articulated this cycle to many clients over the years…it has opened doors of trust. 

I hope for this same outcome with those who have chosen to follow my blog.

So here we go…

SWITCHING SIDES OF THE DESK

Today I need to switch sides of my desk and sit in my client’s chair.  I need to ask the question, “What would I say to my probation clients right now?”  I’ll admit, the word “hopeless” may be a bit dramatic when I consider the circumstances some of them are in, but sometimes it’s the word that comes rolling off the tongue during low moments, and I really do need to think about what I would tell my guys who have relapsed and are back in the familiar place of staring at “Day One” of their sobriety.  I truly believe I give solid counsel to my clients, but if I’m not going to buy what I pedal to my clients during those difficult moments, why would I think my clients are listening to me?

Prior to writing this post, I sat in my therapy chair (a lawn chair located in the garage), and I began to reflect on advice I have been known to give during times like this…

• Check your mindset…if you stay negative, it will suck your energy…
• Day One matters…because you’ll never get to Day Two if you don’t win Day One…
• Momentum begins with the smallest of steps forward…and of course, negative momentum also begins with the smallest of steps backwards…so think carefully about this NEXT step.
• You can stick your head in the sand and still be getting your ass kicked…take a moment and consider that visual…

Those are all statements I’ve made off and on over the years, and I’ll admit that right now, I want to ignore myself…stick my head in the sand and allow distracting thoughts to take me away to a happy place where I don’t have to deal with my shit. 

(Hmmm, I’m imagining white sand and turquoise waters right now…)

But as any addict will testify, the buzz wears off and we sober up only to be right back in the reality we so desperately tried to escape, only this time wondering why our ass hurts. 

SUMMONING THE LOGICAL BRAIN HERE

As the title of this post reads, we must start somewhere, right?  Even if we are feeling hopeless we have several choices I can think of right off hand: 1) we can lay down in our defeat, or 2) we identify a step we can take…and we get up and take it. 

I have no problem saying this to Jeff (name changed to protect confidentiality), who is couch-surfing in his 40’s, working a full-time job earning a bit over minimum wage, relying on Uber to get to appointments because he lost his license, and oh, by the way, Jeff, you have a bunch of treatment groups you must complete if you want to stay out of jail…

I can say this to Jamie (same as above), who’s very willing to admit she’s a “raging alcoholic” (to use her terminology), battles with an opiate addiction, and is dealing with chronic pain, but due to being on Medicaid, she’s having trouble getting the necessary surgery needed…and yes, you guessed it, treating the pain is tricky given her past issues with opiate.  She admits that if she falls back into the opiate addiction, she is likely to end up being a “river girl” as the homeless refer to themselves. 

These are not extreme circumstances on my caseload…they are regular people trying to overcome adversity like addiction, mental health, physical health, poverty, etc.  So, as I recall the circumstances my clients face every day, I become agitated that I describe my circumstances as hopeless…yet in my own pathetic perspective, that’s the mindset I get stuck in, and yes, it does suck the energy right out of me. 

I JUST FIGURED OUT WHERE TO START

The fight usually begins in the head, doesn’t it?   It starts with all those messages and corresponding emotions that surround the conversations we have in our head. 

If you ever saw the movie “Liar Liar” starring Jim Carey, you no doubt remember the bathroom scene where a guy walks in on Jim Carey while he’s punching himself, throwing himself up against walls and slamming a toilet seat on his head.  The guy stands there in disbelief over what he’s witnessing and then asks, “What are you doing?”  Jim Carey looks at him in disgust and responds, “I’m kicking my ass!  Do you mind?”

We can laugh at this scene in the movie…but isn’t that sort of what we do to ourselves verbally in those moments when we berate ourselves over some failure or shortcoming?

To be “hopeless” is literally to be without hope. When we agree with this perspective, we are agreeing with a lie because we can always find some place within our circumstances to control some variables. There may be plenty of variables we have no control over…but there is always some place we can point to and say… “Right there: I can control that part!”

CONTROL THE NARRATIVE IN YOUR HEAD

If we choose to dictate a positive narrative in our head, I believe it’s possible to open doors to fresh “next step” options that we have no access to if we remain in a position of powerlessness within our circumstances.  If we have no control, we are simply a victim of our circumstances with no hope of changing outcomes, right?  However, if we find places where we can change the narrative, it just seems that we then begin to look at our circumstances through an empowered perspective.

For decades beginning in the early 1990’s, I would joke about being a fat man because it seemed better to joke about my condition than to be miserable about it.  (Great logic huh?)  Well, rather than do something about my weight, I repeatedly identified myself as a fat man, and over the next 25+ years, my weight grew into the 340’s. 

Several years ago, I made the decision to stop agreeing with the “fat man” identity.  It started as a joke…but in my mind, I was being very intentional.  I started telling my wife, “I’m a skinny man inside a fat man’s body.”  This may seem a bit nonsensical to some, but I truly believed I needed to change the narrative in my head before I could make any successful changes physically.

I will stop short of saying this was the key, but I will tell you I lost 75lbs over the next 2+ years without ever going on a diet.  Years of failure in this area had to step aside because I was no longer a victim of my circumstances, I had choices I could make…

• No more sugar in my morning coffee…
• No more late-night bowls of cereal…
• No soda…

There were other choices as well, but these were all small steps that when put together led to a significant outcome.

TIME TO STOP TALKING…

This post has been wonderful therapy for me.  I could feel things churning in my head over the past weeks, but to this point I’ve seen no change.  I came into this weekend feeling a need for quiet, for silence…to take the next step in processing all the “stuff” I’ve been wrestling with.  I’ve spent hours on my front porch this weekend; hours in my therapy place (my garage)… thinking, wrestling, wondering where to begin fighting…questioning if I had the fight in me to interrupt this downward spiral.

I truly believe that no matter what our circumstances are, if we are willing to replace the powerless narrative, the defeated narrative, or any other narrative that prevents us from living our best life, and intentionally create the narrative we want for our life, it’s a powerful place to begin. 

I read where our brain cannot differentiate if something is real or imaginary so when we mentally rehearse things repeatedly, our brain thinks it’s real.

WE HAVE TO START SOMEWHERE

If that’s true, how about we begin by being very intentional in deciding who we want to become, and begin to identify with those thoughts? 

• I’m a skinny man inside a fat man’s body!
• I’m a writer!
• I’m a successful “Change-Agent” effectively challenging people to become their best version of themself!
• I’m a mountain climber…both real and figuratively speaking!

Okay…you try it.  Who are you?

How about we start there…