As I woke this Sunday morning, I could tell I was in a place of deeper searching; my heart felt a heaviness…not depression (although I know that feeling well), but a yearning for connection with something of substance at my core. Perhaps there was some residual effect lingering from last night.
THE LINCOLN LAWYER
On Saturday night, I found myself binge watching a Netflix series that held my interest due (in part) to the issue of addiction. Although addiction was a minor storyline for character development, the lead character was on a journey in search of redemption. The backstory we learn throughout the series is that a major career event along with an accident within a short period of time triggered a downward spiral in the lead character. As part of this downward spiral, the lead character fell into an addiction to OxyContin.
From where I stand, downward spirals typically lead to collateral damage…anyone who has battled addiction would probably agree that there’s no such thing as living in a bubble where others aren’t impacted by our choices, there’s always collateral damage. With this lead character, it was no different.
In the first episode, the lead character helps a young lady through his services as an attorney. He then hires her, and we soon learn she’s a recovering addict as well. As the series progresses, many of their interactions center around the issue of addiction and it becomes somewhat of a side-story to the larger plot.
THE ISSUE OF “ADDICTION”
As I ponder where this post is going and why that Netflix series has possibly contributed to my current mood, I openly wonder why the subject of “addiction” stirs such a passion within me. If you’ve read recent posts, you’ll know I recently returned to a job I held for many years as a probation officer. It wasn’t long before I realized a couple things:
- I remembered why I left the job in the first place.
- I remembered why I loved this job.
The legal system is broken, and I have observed first-hand how the system can be so hard for people to get out of. Sure, people must be accountable for their choices…but for some of my guys, they are willing to own their baggage…but they’re up against so many barriers as they try to get on their feet.
When you talk about prioritizing, “freedom” is at the top of the list…but does homelessness and all the issues that surround it not make prioritizing impossible? There’s not a clear 1st, 2nd and 3rd priority…it’s more like 1A, 1B, and 1C, and what each position represents depends on the day…the hour…and often the moment. With many, they must focus on the issues of maintaining freedom and having a solid housing option to stay off the streets, but then add in factors such as being underemployed, addiction, mental health…and with many, throw in all the factors that surrounds children… The waters become quite muddy.
It can become overwhelming for many and keeping them engaged without the “F-its” setting in is a challenge.
On the other hand, it is incredibly satisfying when solid rapport leads to authentic conversations and lasting change. It can be inspiring and often leads to a personal challenge for change in my own life. I can’t begin to say how often I have driven home after work asking myself when I’m going to practice what I preach in my office.
I’m truly in a love/hate relationship with this job.
SO, MY WIFE SAID…
As I sat with my wife this morning, processing some things around “addiction”, I casually commented that I wondered why the issues surrounding addiction stir such passion within my soul:
- Why do I hate going to a job like probation so consistently, and yet find such passion and energy in the interactions with many of my clients?
- Why can I be so disengaged with people in my community, the church crowd, my neighbors, etc. and yet be completely dialed-in and passionate when I’m having a conversation with someone around issues of addiction?
My wife chimed in that as she thought about some comments I made yesterday, she was reminded of a smart-ass response we used to make in our early years growing up… “it takes one to know one.”
I smiled as she said that phrase because I remembered it well…no doubt I said it often when I didn’t have a good comeback for someone in those brutal early school years… But I also smiled because my wife nailed it. Isn’t it true that so often, we can see in others what we hate in ourselves?
AN “AHA-MOMENT”
The lightbulb was on…and yet, it’s like there is suddenly more clarity in the room. I think I’m in an “aha-moment” as I type this. I understand why I can be so disengaged from interacting with people on a casual level…dare I say a surface-level, and yet be so deeply engaged with my clients…because we’re talking about real-shit; ugly shit; and it feels incredibly authentic.
By the way, someone may need to hear this right now: …it’s not “stuff”, it’s “shit”. There’s a difference…
I thought back 3-4 years ago to a night when I drove home from the last men’s group meeting I ever attended in a church setting. I thought of how disgusted I felt sitting in that group as several guys got into a pissing contest about how many scriptures they could quote while others just sat there…probably like myself, waiting for the clock to strike 9:00 so we had a good excuse to leave. I remember this well because a former friend called that night to ask how the meeting went. As I described what was going on internally, I spoke of how I find more meaning in talking with guys about their struggles with heroin, meth, alcohol…the conversations about crashing and burning and how our choices impact loved ones around us.
So, what’s Religion have to do with Addiction?
From where I stand, the Gospel is an R-Rated story that has been stripped down and sanitized into a G-Rated or PG-13 story… and in the process, it kind of feels like this version has been disarmed and is no longer dangerous…powerful…life-changing. Yet, the Gospel I read about is transformational…it’s about freedom, hope…it’s about truly living.
In my office at Probation, the name “Jesus” may rarely come up (although it does at times), but what these raw and very authentic conversations about the back alleys of life do for me personally is lead me to the “Cross”… that place I go by myself to talk with my Savior about how I totally depend on His grace; His mercy; His forgiveness; His redemption; His salvation…His life!
I’M AN ADDICT
I realize I’m an addict…and I walk through this life as one walking out my own personal recovery. I’ve stumbled often…I’ve fallen often…I’ve sat in my relapse sulking, feeling sorry for myself…and the reality is that people want us to get up…but we must want it enough to embrace the work that comes with living a life of sobriety.
Freedom does not come without a war.
It takes one to know one…and when I cross paths with that person who is in pursuit of this freedom that I am also in pursuit of, I’m instantly engaged…there is an atmosphere of authenticity surrounding our conversation. I hunger for this authentic dialogue because although I may not be fearful of a jail cell or a prison cell in my future…I long to live in the freedom that was offered at the Cross.
As I wrap this post up, I want to bring up another line said during that series The Lincoln Lawyer. It resonated with me so powerfully because I’ve always seen addiction as simply a symptom to a larger issue. The gal hired by the lead character made the statement, “you can’t recover until you know what you’re recovering from.”
The moment I heard that, I almost jumped out of my chair, turned the TV off, and started to write. It’s so true! Addiction is the response to something else that’s present, an antecedent. The problem so often becomes about the addiction and not the underlying root. Yet, if we’re going to truly enter into recovery…we must do the (sometimes) painful work of exposing the things we truly must recover from.
WHEN YOU THINK OF ADDICTION…
What comes to mind when you hear that word? Sure, drugs and alcohol come to mind for all of us. Others will add things like work, shopping, and exercise… but what about TV? Food? Sports?
What about being addicted to different emotions? Do you know people who seem like they just want to be offended or angry? Do we allow ourselves to dwell on topics that lead us to feel anger because we just want to be angry?
CONTROL WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL
This is where I need to practice what I’ve been preaching to my probation clients consistently when they become overwhelmed with their circumstances. I need to focus on controlling what I can control… There’s a sense of empowerment when I stop burning energy on those factors in my life I cannot control and begin to redirect that energy into the areas I can control.
When we see the outcomes we can control, we can begin to experience a sense of hope. I don’t know about you, but I need to feel hope if I’m going to win my battles.
Thanks for taking the time to read what’s on my mind today. You have plenty of options competing for your attention and I appreciate you choosing to give me some of your time. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Respond…share your perspective…share the parts of your story you feel comfortable with sharing.
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