This is going to be a transparent post about where I’m at right now…and it began with another challenging conversation in my office…but the challenge didn’t come from me.
IT WENT LIKE THIS
Earlier this week, I engaged in a conversation with a young man who shared an amazing perspective that challenged me personally. I’ve learned over the years that over the course of any given day, we can be involved in so many conversations with so many words exchanged, and yet miss the opportunity to connect at some significant depth. When it does happen, I realize I’m on the cusp of one of those moments where something significant is about to be downloaded into my life and I need to pay attention. It never ceases to amaze me how much I can learn and apply to my own life by simply asking a question and listening. The men I have encountered as a probation officer have such powerful experiences and perspectives…and I am truly blessed by what I learn in these moments.
As this particular conversation developed, I suspected it was going to lead to a story because this young man has chosen to roll up his sleeves and do the hard work of looking at patterns in his life and he’s made very tangible decisions to face the hard truths about what those patterns reveal.
My antennae raises during these moments because I’m hungry for the opportunities to gain perspective that leads to healing and wholeness in my own life. My clients are dealing with legal issues, but so often, these issues are born out of injuries in their lives…and this is where we find common ground to stand on. I’ve also come to the conclusion over the years that so many of us expend enormous amounts of energy attempting to conceal our own personal limp from injuries we’ve sustained in this life…and honestly, I just don’t have the time anymore to conceal my limp from others…I want to be healthy and spend my remaining days making decisions out of a healthy perspective.
SO BACK TO THIS YOUNG MAN
Some perspective here before I get into what he shared: the young man is in his early 30’s and reports that between his time in prison in both New Mexico and Colorado, plus additional time in county jail, he’s spent three adult birthdays outside lock-up. He has a 12-year-old daughter and got a bit teary-eyed as he confessed he’s been locked up for over half her life…and he’s dealing with the guilt of how his choices have impacted those he loves.
Recently, he came to the conclusion that if he was ever going to be successful in the community, he needed help in creating structure in his life. Although he is married and could be home every night with his wife and two children, he chose to enter a sober-living community where he is required to take multiple drug tests and participate in support groups with other residents in the sober-living community. He was not court-ordered into this program; he came to the conclusion this somewhat drastic step was required for him to achieve the long-term goals he had…to be there as a good husband and father.
I cannot help but admire the young man’s commitment to resist the path of least resistance to achieve the greater goals in his life. He’s clean, is not missing random drug tests, and is putting himself in a position of high accountability.
As we talked this week, I asked him, “what are you learning about yourself in this process?” He was so quick and decisive in his response… “That I’m a coward.”
PAUSE…
Let me pause right there because that shocked me; I was not prepared for that response. I’m sitting across from this young man who’s easily over 6’ tall, weighs probably in the low 200’s, and is solid physically. I guess I would say he’s not a guy I’d be interested in messing with…but then I’m 60 years old now so I don’t want to mess with my 9-year-old grandson anymore. But still…you get my point.
I asked him to explain more, and he went on to say, “all my life I’ve run from my problems.” He described how when he was 12, he began smoking pot to avoid unpleasant emotions. He talked about how the patterns continued into his adult life by turning to drugs, alcohol, and criminal behavior anytime unpleasant things surfaced, and he’s realizing he no longer wants to run. He explained he has unpleasant baggage he must turn and face if he wants to be there for his family.
As he talked, I heard conviction in his voice and saw determination and authentic strength in his eyes…well behind the tears.
AUTHENTICITY
Ahh, there it is…that word, “authenticity”. It’s a beautiful thing when you encounter it.
I’ve been in social circles over the years that boasted of this thing called authenticity, and I guess to some degree, it was achieved to a certain level. But…as a guy who has a desire to deal with my own “shit” (sorry, but words like “baggage”, or “issues”, or “crap” just doesn’t really speak to what I want to communicate here), I’ve found that I have more meaningful conversations with people in my office because their legal issues encourage them to face things that so many of us would rather leave concealed from others. That coupled with my belief that if not for the grace of God in my own life, I could easily have been on the other side of that probation desk at some point in my life.
BACK TO THE COWARD
As I listened to the young man give a very honest and probably accurate assessment of who he was in his past, I could not help but reflect on how I too have acted in a very cowardly way in my own life. Addiction has many faces…but they lead back to common denominators that I can honestly say I share with the addict and the alcoholic. We’re all limping through this life when we avoid dealing with those root causes of destructive behavior…legal or illegal.
CLIMBING MOUNTAINS (the title of this blog)
Have you ever run into that person who is always telling you about the money they won gambling in Vegas or playing some lottery, but they never reveal how much money they’ve lost? Or maybe it’s a person who always talks about how much weight they’ve lost, but they never share about the weight gains.
Well, my blog is called “Climbing Mountains”, but if I’m only sharing perspectives from the mountain top, it may be hard for the person in the valley to relate and believe they can ever get to the top of the mountain they’re facing.
This post is written after several months of my being isolated due to personal struggles. I’ll admit right here…I’ve relapsed, and I hope this is a part of the process for me to get back up and practice all the things I’ve preached in previous blog posts. The young man’s words hit me hard…I don’t want to be a “coward” and run to my drug of choice to hide when I encounter unpleasant circumstances.
As I challenge myself, I hope those who are struggling in the midst of their personal relapse will shake off the shame and the self-loathing destructive thinking patterns that accompany “relapse”. Please consider joining me as I make the efforts to get up off the ground and begin to once again find the fighter within and take the small steps forward into sobriety.
We can do it…but we must get up…and we must get up now.