This past week, I had a client come into my office that inspired this post. I say “inspired”, but it hardly seems like a fitting word to use in this context. This experience impacted me by reminding me of how easy it is to slide into undesirable circumstances, camp out there a while, or in this guy’s case, a couple decades, and then begin to see our circumstances as “normal” even though we may be living far below a standard we could expect from ourselves. Let me tell you about the situation, and then I’ll talk more about the thoughts I want to share.
THE APPOINTMENT
I’d been trying to get “John” (yeah…we’ll call him John) into my office for several weeks. He no-showed on me one appointment, and then called to say he was working on his RV (his permanent home) all day so needed to reschedule on another appointment. Initially, I thought he was ducking out on me because he knew a sheriff’s investigator was planning to meet him at my office to get his fingerprints on a separate case. But today, I realized his “give-a-shit” was simply broken and he didn’t care much about doing probation.
Typically, during a first appointment I like to take some time to get to know a guy’s story, but in this case, he was already 4 months into a 12-month probation sentence, wasn’t involved in treatment, wasn’t doing any drug-testing, and was bad about attending probation appointments so I took a more direct approach… “Dude, what the hell you thinking here?”
I know…great first question when trying to build rapport with a stranger.
After my great first question, he just sat there looking at me so I followed up with the laundry list of all the things he wasn’t doing and he said, “I knew you were gonna hit me with all that.”
Well…it is my job I guess, so, yeah…we’re gonna hit you with all that.
As he finally responded, I began to see what I was up against with his lack of motivation, and then I finally appreciated that it was a big deal he even showed up today. At the beginning of any change process, we need to look for and celebrate even the smallest of steps forward.
Learning is always a two-way street if we want to pull ourselves out of the perspectives we carry… now it was my turn to get “hit” with something from him.
After learning his story, I realized I’m sitting with a guy in his very late 30’s who’s lived in an RV most of his adult life…and when I say an RV, I mean a camper on the back of an old truck. He actively does methamphetamine and openly admitted he likes to get high because it helps him to forget his day-to-day issues.
I’ll admit, I was grasping during this appointment because he showed no desire to have stable housing, have a steady job, be clean, or complete his probation successfully. I was finding it difficult to locate any place to grab onto and talk about the “change” process because he was expressing contentment with his circumstances. He was completely okay with using methamphetamine to cope with his unhappiness.
This case is going to take a lot more digging before we can establish a foundation and start building…but that may be a different story for another day. Today, I’m going to camp out on the topic of normalizing mediocrity because these are the thoughts I had after reflecting on John’s appointment.
THE AMERICAN DREAM
For all of us, the “American Dream” has various meanings. But something I think we all share to some degree in our version of “The Dream” is that we want a measure of control, freedom, happiness, safety, and fulfillment, out of our lives. It may be pursuing a minimalist lifestyle and enjoying experiences, it may be career opportunities, relationships, etc., but I think to some degree, our dreams share some of these words.
John however, seemed uninterested in a pursuit of any passion in his life. Today, he was happy to have his RV because “at least I’m not living in a tent down by the river near the bridge.” I would agree with John on that point because on these very cold winter mornings, I cross that bridge on my way to work and I see those tents out in the fields surrounded by small trees which do nothing for blocking the wind but keep a tent from blowing away if they would get loose from their anchors. John had a locked camper to keep out of the weather and keep his few possessions safe so I could agree with him when he is grateful for these very basic needs being met. We could argue that for John, he felt some measure of control and some degree of safety in his life so…for him, he had his own slice of the American dream.
But then, there’s the whole issue of using methamphetamine so he didn’t have to feel anything… That doesn’t quite fit into a dream…unless that dream is a nightmare.
WHERE DOES IT GO WRONG?
It’s times like this I picture the “Johns” of the world when they were children and wonder what their dreams were as kids. Did John aspire for being an astronaut, a fire-fighter, a professional athlete? Did he have heroes? Did he have a circle of friends in middle school and feel some sense of belonging? Did he graduate from high school? When the “Class of [whatever year]” was meeting to plan the most recent class reunion, did anyone wonder where John was? Did anyone ask around to find out who was in contact with him?
Seriously…where do the “Johns” of the world get knocked off the path…and when they do, are they even aware of the significance of the moments they are in?
As a man who believes in the Creator, God, I believe we are made in his image. I believe that each of us are a piece to a puzzle, and in a perfect world (which we will never attain) if we were to each find our place within that puzzle, we would reflect the very beautiful image of the Creator. So, I look at John, and others like him, and I realize we as a culture are truly missing something when John doesn’t find his place…we all are missing out on the gifts the Johns of the world have to offer.
THIS ISN’T JUST ABOUT JOHN THOUGH…
If you’re familiar with my previous posts, my stories tend to eventually get back to you and me. Though John’s story is a tragic one (to this point), I tend to find a lesson that applies to myself as well, because as tragic as John’s story is, I’m a bit uncomfortable in saying that he and I (and many of us), have more in common than not. It’s so easy to find the differences and dismiss his story as just his…but if we were to look for the similarities, we would then have to consider reflecting on how our own circumstances have impacted us…a process I love to go down personally.
NORMALIZING MEDIOCRITY
For some, they’ve become hardened when they see the homeless or the addict and dismiss any type feelings of compassion by concluding those people made choices. True! I couldn’t agree with you more…they made choices and they are where they are because of a series of choices in their lives.
For many, we understand there is always a story that leads to where we are, and for some in those circumstances, the story is filled with injury, mental health issues, victimization…and “Yes! They made choices about how they responded to those events.”
Perhaps they’ve given up hope of things ever changing; Perhaps they’re dealing with skeletons in their closets and the pain drives them to a place where choices are made that normally wouldn’t be made…
WHAT ABOUT YOU AND ME?
Where does the highway of our story link up and travel along the same path as their stories? Where have we also made choices, and allowed life-circumstances to dictate decisions we wouldn’t have made 5, 10, maybe 20-years ago? Where have we accepted mediocre circumstances in our lives and allowed those circumstances to become “normalized” in our lives? I’ll add this follow-up question as well: is it any less tragic that you and I live below the level of what we have the potential to live at? Our lives are constantly connected with others around us and when we are not living at a high-level, we miss out on the opportunity to be an inspiration to others, to be a positive influence on others, to challenge others to live to the peak of their potential…and all those who would have been inspired by our lives miss out on the opportunity to also impact others in the same way…see, it’s a domino effect.
I’m 60-years old this year. I don’t even know how many times I’ve heard comments reflecting that somehow, I am supposed to accept the idea that with age comes the expectation that I am resigned to accept less and less in my life…like I’m on the downhill side. Sure, people say it in a joking manner, but I wonder how much of that joking is influenced by some assumption people have when it comes to aging. I’m on the downhill side in years remaining unless I plan on living into my 120’s, but is it possible to expect to have a powerful impact on the lives of others as I inch closer toward the finish line? Is it possible to look forward to having more fulfillment in my later years than I had in my earlier years? Or should I resign myself to the idea that retirement is just around the corner and senior living options will become the next big thing in my life because I hate golf and I don’t plan on playing bingo?
With my age, I have become one of the older employees at my work. I find it sad that so many 30-something and 40-something coworkers come to work disillusioned with life, lacking passion and purpose. The vision that carried them through the 20’s has let them down. The American Dream of owning a home, driving a nice car, having things…and the debt that comes with those things, has been exposed for the lie that it is.
We’ve become addicted to things that will take away our pain as well. It may be TV, food, or the next big purchase we’re after, but until we do something about the idea we are stuck living below the standard we were created to live at, we will live with our own unique version of the “golden handcuffs” that ensnare us and keep us living in our version of the RV that John currently lives in.
This sounds depressing right? It’s not meant to, but I’ve learned in my work that there is no shortcut that allows us to avoid having the tough conversations about the need for change in our lives.
I’ve experienced some incredible things in the past few years as I decided to reject mediocrity when it came to my health, but all this has done is make me realize I’m far from done with the change needed in my own life. We are right in saying that people need to be responsible for the choices they make that put them in the circumstances they are in…but that applies to me and you as well. We have to be responsible for those areas of our life where we are living below the standard we have the potential to operate at. With responsibility also comes empowerment, the ability to alter our outcomes…and that’s all I ask for personally…just to know that I can have some say in the outcomes of my life.
BACK TO JOHN
I look forward to the future opportunities I may have in talking with John. I hope to plant seeds, I hope to help John discover some dreams he may have forgotten along his way, and I will forever continue to learn and be challenged by the lives of the men and women I encounter along the way.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post and hear my thoughts. I hope this somehow leads to reflection on your part about the areas in your life you may have “settled” in. Play to your strengths in this life, but never be okay with allowing your weaknesses to remain weaknesses.