Building Sandcastles

Sandcastles are an amazing thing to watch being sculpted as so much time and talent is on display by the artist. The attention to detail in some of the more elaborate designs will cause a spectator to stand and marvel at what they’re seeing. When the initial waves from the incoming tide begin to wash up against these creations, there’s a sadness that comes with watching something that took so much time and energy come crashing down in a matter of seconds, with nothing left to represent their existence but a pile of sand, which itself will disappear eventually as the waves wash ashore.

Sandcastles came to mind the other day as I thought about a guy I supervise on probation, and the thoughts eventually led to my own life because I’ve learned over 20+ years in the work that my clients and I have so much more in common than we don’t. Let me tell you a bit about this probation client specifically as we move forward.

We’ll call him “Dude” although he’s got the kind of name you could imagine for some country music star. Dude’s pushing 50 and this is far from his first rodeo in the legal system.  He’s been dragging his heals getting into substance abuse treatment, and he’s giving me excuses about how building his business is the key to his future success.  

Recently in an appointment, when I challenged him about his procrastination setting up treatment, Dude blurts out, “I’ve Got to Work Don’t I?”  If I had $1 for every time I’ve heard that question…  Wait, why just $1?   If I had $10 for every time I’ve heard that question…

It’s a common excuse I hear from guys on probation who avoid dealing with their crap.  “I’ve got to pay my rent, or do you want me sleeping in my car?”  O geez…really?  Why would anyone want that for another person?  But the intent of the question is to divert the focus from the real issue.  If I’m not careful, I’ll find myself wasting time and energy justifying why I don’t want Dude living out of his car instead of focusing on the real issue which is…Dude needs to get sober!

He’s not alone though.  Yada Yada Yada it goes…guys justifying their decisions to avoid the issues and come off like victims when you hold their feet to the fire.  They sound like legit arguments on the surface, until you get past the BS and discover they simply want to avoid the work required to defeat their addiction or issues.

Having a good steady job, a roof over your head, reliable transportation…it’s all important for sure…as long as a person’s able to remain sober.  If he can’t remain sober, he’s expending a lot of energy building a house on sand (ah…the Sandcastle analogy…) and doing little to nothing that’s sustainable over time.  It’s all going to come crashing down at the next big “wave” life throws at him…when that wave drives him back to old patterns.

But lest we miss the point entirely here, this is far from just being about addiction, it’s about issues we’ve learned to carry and conceal through our own lives…it’s about adopting destructive thinking patterns.

ARE WE REALLY SO DIFFERENT FROM DUDE?

We may not have a drug or alcohol problem (at least one we’ll admit to), and we may not have legal problems like Dude (unless you run my background check in neighboring states), but has an argument like the one above come out of your mouth when you’re faced with something you’d rather avoid?  

Easy examples could be pointing out issues surrounding health, relationships, or perhaps finances.  These can be issues we choose to avoid dealing with, but that’s not where I’m going in this post.  Where my journey is taking me is into matters of the heart, and I’m being metaphorical here, because I want to talk about our dreams.

A SUBTLE SHUTDOWN

Are you at all aware of times you’ve slammed the door in the face of your heart when it’s ached for something more in this life?  Perhaps it was like a reflex reaction where you’re not even conscious you’ve silenced the ache through a sharp rebuke, or maybe you’ve killed it slowly with logic.  Perhaps in some cases the door slammed so hard so many times your “Dreamer” broke permanently.

I can’t begin counting the times I work in my office, and suddenly look outside at a gorgeous Colorado day taking place and just take a deep breath…like a sigh of resignation as I sit chained to my desk. Great coworkers, great work environment…but my heart yearns for something more. My “Dreamer’s” making noise again, and it’s drawing me outside the walls of my office.

WHERE AM I COMING FROM?  

The Short Answer: I’ve been on a journey off and on over the past two decades, a journey that keeps getting interrupted as I hit tough personal issues and face destructive agreements I’ve made with myself about my identity.

I’ll share just enough to make my point, but I hope you will use my story to consider your own. I’ve had a consistent dream for over two decades…and the dream is so special to me…so much larger than my own perceived ability level. Initially, I feel excitement as I embrace the passion surrounding the dream, but slowly, logic begins to enter in and rather than focusing on the dream, I begin to focus on all the reasons why it’s not practical or realistic any longer. I begin allowing the old agreements to dominate the discussion. Eventually, the old agreements win out and I push the dream back down where it came from and I throw myself into the day-to-day distractions of life…got to numb the pain you know. After all, “I’ve got to work don’t I, or do I want to lose my home and sleep in my truck?”

• Do you see the similarities between me and Dude?
• Does this sound familiar in your life? Have you used logic to convince yourself that your dreams are no longer practical or relevant?
• I wonder, would you say you’ve even allowed yourself to consider those old dreams or have you cast them out and moved on?

LET’S DEFINE “DREAM”

Short rabbit trail here: let’s make sure we allow for the possibility that a “dream” may be different from a “career”. Although a dream may be starting your own business which would be a career, a dream may be traveling, climbing a 14’er, running a half or full marathon, or volunteering for a cause that you feel passionate about. It could be connecting with the creative expression within you through music, art, photography, writing, etc. For the purpose of this post, the dream really has no boundaries, okay?

FACING DOWN OUR GIANTS

Sometimes, facing our personal issues, or questioning long-term agreements we’ve made with our heart can lead to places where it simply hurts…and to face them and walk through them is something that requires a commitment we just don’t think we have in us. I would beg to differ on this though…and unfortunately, I’m discovering this within myself only in the past year with certain strongholds I never thought I would overcome.

Well, I found the path of my own journey once again and gradually got back on it over the past two years.  It’s been a subtle process, but looking back, I see the restlessness that lead to questions; questions that lead to decisions; and decisions that led to actions.  So here I am again, working through those (lame) reasons which previously and effectively side-tracked my journey. I’ve got a dream, and I simply must pursue it. If I don’t, I fear the consequences, because although this may sound rather dramatic here…I believe that to some degree, my life depends on my heart winning the battle this time.

BUILDING SANDCASTLES

For those of us who have pushed our dreams down to a depth where we no longer feel the ache, I want to propose the idea that we have turned to the business of building our own version of elaborate and detailed sandcastles with our lives. For some (but certainly not all of us), these detailed creations have the appearance of success, affluence, and according to our Facebook status updates…the illusion that we’re living the dream! Some may even look at our sandcastles and wish they had ours because we’ve done such a great job crafting the presentation.

Reality can sometimes come crashing in though. Think about when you hear about the couple who seemed to have it all together and then suddenly, you learned they got a divorce. “Oh wow! They seemed to be so happy together…”

Sandcastle! The detail looked amazing…until the waves started coming in.

For some of us, the waves have yet to hit our Sandcastle.  We’re feeling pretty good about all the details…and we’re confident we’ve built far enough from the waves… In fact, this very moment, somewhere out at sea, the water that will make up that initial wave is coming our direction.   For your sake, I’ll say quickly that I hope what you’ve built is something upon solid ground…perhaps as solid as the Rock.

CLOSING

If I can leave you with any challenging thoughts here, I would ask you to consider your old dreams…pay attention to the ones that crop up from time-to-time. Like mine, some of your dreams can be thrown out because they truly are no longer relevant. I tossed the dream of playing in the NBA about a week ago. I decided at 57, the Boston Celtics no longer need someone playing alongside Larry Bird. Wait…have I been carrying that dream this long? No, just kidding. But hopefully you get the point here. Not all dreams are some deeply repressed thing we must reclaim and pursue in order to be happy. However, those lingering dreams that keep surfacing from time-to-time may be a part of who you were designed to be when you operate to your fullest potential…and to keep them boxed up deep in the basement of your heart may cause those around you to miss out on some of the best things that make you…will, You!

I do hope this post leads you to some quiet reflecting. That’s all I can hope for as I write this.