I was talking to a friend this morning over coffee when those words above came out of my mouth. Let me backtrack a bit.
Addiction is a big deal to me…I’ve been defeated by it so often in my past, there’s been a danger I would redefine who I am by looking at the person I become when laying face-down in the dirt of relapse. In the work I do, addiction is a daily conversation and I find so much common ground in my struggles with those of my clients. So this whole addiction-thing is in my face daily, whether I want to see it or not.
Recently, I again found myself in the midst of relapse with very little will to fight due to the weight of shame. Shame is an incredibly heavy presence on the spirit of a person. Okay…shame is a bitch! Over time, I’ve found myself entering into so many agreements with my adversary that I’m just a piece of shit, and need to live with who I’ve become because there’s no way I’m ever going to find the person I used to be.
Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not in search of the 20-something or the 30-something guy I use to be…I certainly hope I don’t find him for a whole set of different reasons which I won’t get into here. But who is this guy I’ve become….to accept defeat with such little will to fight?
Hang in there…I hope this isn’t just about me. I hope you can find places to relate…
Recently I’ve again pushed up off the dirt, and as I was sharing this with my friend this morning, I spoke of a vaguely familiar feeling I’ve sensed only for the briefest of moments. It’s like traveling north out of Denver on 1-25 and passing the old bread factory. For the briefest of moments, I catch that smell of bread and it smells so awesome…then it’s gone.
The other day, after winning “one day at a time” for several days in a row, I sensed the fighter within me coming to the surface…a fierce competitor that I once knew in my earlier days. That guy running the trails in the foothills west of Boulder, hitting the base of a hill, lowering my head, and pressing upward one stride at a time with no thought whatsoever of stopping short. Ahhhhh! Such a sweet fragrance going through my mind…then it’s gone. Wait! That’s not a negative thing, it’s just a glimpse of what’s out ahead if I stay the course.
As I described that feeling to my friend, of sensing the familiar presence of the fighter within, I said, “it made me want to turn the music up.” See, I was driving in my truck (that in itself is a happy story right there!) and my windows were already down. I cranked up the Outlaw Country playlist on my stereo, and I drove those county roads like they haven’t been driven (at least in my own mind).
There’s a fear this could sound very much like a 50-something guy going through midlife crisis. Please know what is fueling my fire is not images from my past I wish to relive, but dreams for my future I wish to pursue.
Which brings me to the point of writing something like this to share… Wherever you are on this journey we’re taking, whether you’re at 20-something, 30-something, etc., are you where you hoped to be at this point, or have your dreams gotten hijacked? Did you exit off the path and settle for less than what your heart desired to pursue? Are your secret thoughts filled with disappointment by past circumstances…are you stuck? Are you feeling trapped?
I’m not where I want to be by a long shot. But there’s a measure of self-respect that emerges when a person begins to fight. I may have gotten my ass kicked this week, but all of a sudden, I realize I’m still standing, and I’m looking my opponent right in the eye, and I see he’s bleeding from the nose…and he has a bit of a shocked look in his eyes. Hmmm, he was surprised by my fight this week.
As a coach, I knew that emotional adrenaline could only take a guy so far. Was it Mike Tyson who said, “everyone has a plan until they get punched in the nose”. We have to have a plan when we get hit with that combination and our knees become wobbly. Will we go down again…or will we keep fighting? ………….ADD moment here as I consider whether I’m the first person in the history of the Universe to use a quote from Albert Einstein and Mike Tyson in the same writing.
Okay, back on track: If you do any soul-searching within yourself, you know what your opponent looks like? The most dangerous addictions are the ones we share with so many others…we normalize them because they are shared by so many other “good” people. We accept them…we allow them to move into our home and become a part of the family. Then, tragically…we allow them to move into our own soul, our own being…and they begin to redefine who we are.
Today, consider breaking agreements you’ve made with that opponent, consider fighting it. Consider the possibility of feeling like a strong person who no longer tolerates acceptance of defeat or compromise. Picture the satisfaction when you look at your opponent and see the blood running down their nose.
“Uh-huh…I’m still standing bitch!”